"Step Into My Shoes for a Day" Program

No matter how supportive your spouse, family and friends are, stay at home caretakers are always going to come across someone who doesn't understand what it is we do all day. More importantly, how we could have a job that allows us to stay at home, but doesn't allow us to actually get much done. Beyond house chores and cooking, some of the hardest things to accomplish are errands like running by the insurance office to revise a plan or to make a simple phone call to set up a doctor's appointment. I could never understand the difficulty of these tasks until having to try them with two howler monkeys in tow, so to help those people in your life get a peek into your day, I have devised a program to help put them in your shoes. This will require some help from their co-workers/boss, but I'm sure they can be bribed to play along once you bring in those homemade truffles you had time to bang out this morning. This program will also need to be conformed to the work environment that this person is in, as some of these tasks could be hard to have someone help with in certain settings. Feel free to use your imagination and creativity to add to this list!

"Step Into My Shoes for a Day" Program: Devised for those random strangers that feel compelled to comment on how easy your life is.

Requirements for the subject: Not only must the subject try to go about their day normally and to get as much work done as possible, but they must also do so while trying to keep tabs on a certain co-worker all day. I talked about the phenomenon of "party radar" in an earlier post, and this should come into play here. They must keep mental tabs on this person all day and make sure they know where they are. For an added bonus, have this person update the subject whenever doing ANYTHING, the more boring and pointless the better, and then have them disappear and go do something dangerous. If the subject can keep the co-worker from falling off the building or putting a fork in a socket, it will be successful.

Tip: Start off their day easy. After all, you don't want to scare them off right away. What we are going for is a gradual frustration and irritability that may lead to a minor breakdown mid-afternoon. Go too hard too fast and they will just think you're making this stuff up.

-If the subject decides to stop anywhere for anything during the day, they will be required to unstrap a couple of dolls or bags of flour from car seats and bring them to do the errands with them. Bonus points if you can figure out how to make the dolls or bags of flour make noise.

-Whenever the subject tries to eat something, have a co-worker come in and take some. Just have them walk by, grab some if not all of the food, and walk away eating it. Mashing the food with dirty hands, taking a bite and then spitting it out onto the food, or simply sneezing/slobbering/shoving their face in the food are acceptable as well.

-Have co-workers randomly come into the subject's workspace and begin yelling. Maybe set up a scene in which they come in, grab something from the subject's workspace or office, and begin fighting over it. More points if they break the object.

-Have a co-worker walk up to the subject and hand them something gross. You can really let your imagination run wild on this one. No explanation is needed, just a simple "Here ya go" and then something like chewed gum, half eaten food, boogers, poop, bugs, or something similar will end up in their hand.

-Have a co-worker use the subject as a napkin.

-Have a co-worker walk around the subject's workspace and make it a complete mess. There should be no concern from the co-worker, just walking around and tipping things over will suffice.

-Every time the subject has to use the restroom, have one if not several co-workers accompany them and stare at them while they are trying to go pee. Another scenario would  be to have the co-worker they are keeping tabs on do something dangerous as soon as the subject beings to use the restroom. As soon as the zipper or pants go down, they can start screaming bloody murder. This may be more effective if the subject can't see WHY they are screaming, because this will allow the panic to set in quicker. If they can see that the co-worker is simply being whacked over the head with a plastic bat by another co-worker, they may continue their business hoping it will work itself out.

-Every time the subject picks up a phone to call someone, let them get to the point that the other person has picked up on the call and then really get creative. You can have co-workers break into a fight in their workspace, have someone come in and start screaming, have someone come in and break something, set off the fire alarm, really anything at all to break their concentration and convince the person on the other end of the line that they are actually calling from prison.

-Whenever the co-worker that the subject is keeping tabs on uses the restroom, have them scream for the subject to come wipe them. Bonus points if this is during a phone call or important meeting.

- Have the subject provide lunch for several co-workers. The co-workers should not be satisfied with the lunch and should either refuse to eat it or have the subject jump up and down to alter the lunch with condiments or heating instructions so much that they will not get a chance to eat their own lunch. If given a half hour lunch break, you're really just shooting to only let them get about 5 minutes of eating time in. You should also have the co-workers eat some of the subject's lunch.

-Whenever the subject may ask another co-worker to do something, have them flat out refuse or to scream and throw a tantrum. This could go something like:
Subject: "Hey Bill, could you make some copies for me?"
Bill: "No! I don't want to! No no no no no! You can't make me! I hate you!"
Bonus points to Bill for rolling on the floor, kicking or hitting the subject, or destroying the paper that needed copies in the first place.

-If the subject has a meeting or something similar in which he needs to be in front of other people and to actually get something accomplished or look respectable/in charge, have several co-workers help you out. Some can maybe begin by shouting simple phrases like, "I'm bored!" but can also progress to, "I have to poop!" Other co-workers can devise things to do to ease the boredom like taking pens and writing on desks or maybe building a launch ramp for a toy car with random items from around the room. Towards the end you may want to even have a couple of co-workers run in screaming, fighting, or throwing tantrums. Are you noticing a theme yet?

Of course, I know I am not exactly being fair. Even on our worst days, we can usually spare a few minutes to cry in a closet or scream on the back porch. Allow your subject those moments as well. Also, being caretakers of young children, it wouldn't be fair of me to just allow your subject to experience the bad. The moments that get us through our days are when our brood turns back into sweet, loving children from the monsters they can become. So to give your subject a real taste, also have them experience the following:

-Have co-workers walk up to them, tell the subject they love them, and give them hugs and kisses.

-Have the subject solve a problem for a co-workers and have the co-worker overwhelm them with gratitude.

-Have the subject teach a co-worker something, and let them experience the joy that comes with watching your student accomplish that task.

-If the subject does need to sneak off for a cry, have a co-worker come up and snuggle.

-Have a co-worker make something for the subject.

While that second list is a bit creepy from the view of co-worker to subject, it may bring them back from the edge and help to avoid a postal worker situation. Of course, it's up to you on how much you want to let them into your world. If you want to exclude anything nice and fluffy, that's up to you. Believe me, I would sick the first list minus the second on a few people I have run into at the dmv in a heartbeat.

So, that's the program and I think you will find that the subject was not able to accomplish as much as they had set out to do that morning. If for some reason they did, either their co-workers did not follow through or this person needs to be made leader of the world immediately. Of course, there is a way to step this program up a notch. If you really want to torture them, have them go through the program while sick or have the co-worker they are keeping an eye on be sick. Bonus points if the subject has a shirt pocket full of throw up on the bus ride home.