Pea Diary: Daddy's Girl

        I love my Daddy! I have been a very big girl lately and am sleeping in my very own bed! Mostly. Mommy has been sleeping in a different room so I don't milk until the morning but I get something even better-my Daddy! Daddies are great because they are big and warm and my Daddy hums to me while I go to sleep. All I need is my Daddy and my Barney and I am all set! I even got to have some time alone with Daddy when Mommy took Princess to a play yesterday, and it was the best! I didn't have to worry about Princess taking over and we got to play all of the games I wanted to play. We took a nap together and then we played with my collection of pennies. My favorite was when Daddy put them in between my toes. He's so silly! Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night I decide to cry instead of going back to sleep just so I can see him for a few minutes. Especially if he is playing softball and doesn't get home until after I go to bed. Then I make sure I wake up so he will come cuddle with me. Daddy usually comes home when Mommy is making dinner, so when I see her cooking I go to the door and knock and say, "Daaadddyyy!" so that he will know it's ok to come in. As soon as he comes inside I run to him and hug his legs and then he picks me up high in the air and gives me kisses! He has tickles on his face when he kisses me after he gets home which is funny because it doesn't tickle as much when he kisses me before he leaves. It used to be that Mommy was the only one who could make me feel better, but now that Daddy and I get to snuggle so much I know that he can make me feel better too. I can't wait until I get to cuddle with him tonight!

Princess Diary: Daddy's Birthday!

          My Daddy just had a birthday! I think I was even more excited than he was because I got to help Mommy pick out his presents and make his pie. Daddy said that he didn't want a cake this time and that he only wanted a lemon pie. Mommy was nervous because she's never made that pie before and because we're vegan it's hard to make the white stuff on top. I forget the word for it. Anyway I helped her squeeze the lemons! I was so excited to go shopping with Mommy and pick out stuff for Daddy! I told her we had to get balloons so we went to the green store and got some. I wanted to pick out a whole bunch but Mommy only let me get four. I also found a pink box that I had to get for Daddy and I tried to find something to fit in it but I couldn't find anything small enough so Mommy said we would look at the other store. I was holding onto the balloons really tight so they wouldn't fly away, but then Pea wanted to help so I got her to hold onto them with me. Because she was helping me I kind of forgot to keep holding them too, and all of sudden they were flying away! We were getting into the car so they went up into the sky! Mommy saved one but I was so sad because now Daddy's birthday was going to be ruined without balloons! There was even a pink birthday one and I know that it misses me and wanted to come home with me instead of flying around in the sky. Mommy said we coudn't go get more but that maybe we could find the kind that you blow up at the other store. Those aren't as good, but I thought about how I needed to get Daddy a present for the pink box and we went to the red store. I remembered Daddy's favorite thing when we started looking around! Transformers! And guess what? There were two little ones that would fit into the pink box perfectly! I am really good at this. Then we went to find some balloons and that's a fun place because they also have all kinds of party stuff! I picked out a pinata and as I was looking at it I realized that we needed a lot more stuff if Daddy was going to have a party!! I told Mommy that we needed a pinata, and balloons, and that she needed to make a Transformers cake so that we would have everything we needed for Daddy's birthday party with all of his friends at the bouncy house! Then, Mommy told me something about Mommies and Daddies that makes me really sad. Once you are a Mommy or a Daddy, you don't get to have birthday parties at the bouncy place. I didn't understand her at first. Then, I think I just didn't want to believe it. How can you not have a birthday party? And why would you not want to have it  at a bouncy place? And why weren't my Daddy's friends going to come??? Whenever someone asks me what I want to do when I grow up lately, I have told them I want to be a Daddy because Daddies are the best. This. Changes. Everything. I will tell you one thing-we are going to have an awesome party for my birthday! I already told Mommy that I want to have it at a pool AND  bouncy place with lots of presents and a pinata and all my friends and when she asked what theme I wanted I told her I want a bear, kitty cat, cave, pink, unicorn, star, dora, diego, wonderpets, dragon tales, princess party! I need to get it in now before it's all too late!!
        My Daddy had a great birthday. We got to get up early and I blew up two balloons all by myself and we made breakfast for him and then I helped him open his presents. After work we went to the tunnel store and got him and went and had pizza and ice cream. It was the best birthday ever! Happy Birthday Daddy!

Princess: I am a fish!

I am so good at swimming! Last week I told Daddy that I wanted to go underwater and so I took my floaties off and I went under water and opened my eyes and I swam like a fish! When we went to the pool again I got my goggles and then I was really good at swimming. I would jump off the edge of the pool and then swim to Daddy and I was so fast! I even learned how to stop and put my head up so I could breathe and then keep swimming again. The best part was that I learned out to do a flip underwater! I am just like a sea turtle! Now Pea uses my floaties but all she does is lay down in the water and float around. She's not a fish like me yet. Maybe I will teach her someday when she is bigger like me!

Pea: Secrets!

Princess and Daddy are always telling secrets and I am so jealous! Daddy thinks that her secrets are so funny and I wanted to get in on it too! So I decided the other day that I was going to tell Mommy a secret. I got real close to her ear and whispered something. She started laughing! I don't even know what I said but it must have been funny! I did it again on the other side and she laughed again! Then she told me a secret but all she said was, "I love you" which really isn't a secret. Evidently secrets are only things that are said in a low voice in someone's ear. It doesn't even matter what you say! Now that I know the secret about secrets, I am the best secret teller ever!

Princess and Pea Diary: Uncle Ka-Ka and Aunt Amy Visit!

Princess: My Uncle Ka-Ka and Aunt Amy came to vist me!
Pea: They came to see me too!
Princess: But mostly me. They came in their really cool car and I had to wait all day to see them and it was really boring because Mommy was cleaning the house but then they were there! And they brought presents!
Pea: I got some too!
Princess: We got bubbles and a whole bunch of bubble wands and sunglasses!
Pea: My sunglasses are cool because they are dragon glasses!
Princess: We traded sunglasses, remember? Mine are the dragon ones!
Pea: But I like them!
Princess: Yours are the pink ones!
Pea: Oh ok. I like those too!
Princess: Anyway Ka-Ka and Amy are so much fun! We got to play games with them all night and we ate popcorn and watched TV except that Pea kept hogging the popcorn.
Pea: Well I couldn't reach it from Mommy's lap so I had to bring it with me! Plus I made up the best game.
Princess: I'm pretty sure you had seen me do it before.
Pea: No! What you do is stand on the chair and then Uncle Ka-Ka puts out his arms and you just fall into them! SO AWESOME!
Princess: The best was when I did it backwards!
Pea: The best was when I did it front...wards
Princess: ANYWAY we had to go to sleep but I got to kiss them goodnight and when I woke up I couldn't wait to see them! I kept asking Mommy if I could go wake them up but she made me wait.
Pea: Me too! I wanted to wake them up!
Princess: You were still sleeping, Pea!
Pea: Oh.
Princess: Anyway, I FINALLY got to wake them up and then they came and had pancakes with me! I like having breakfast with other people besides Mommy because she is boring. Then we went and got dressed because we were going downtown!
Pea: I didn't want to get dressed. I like being naked.
Princess: Me too but I looked really pretty with my shirt with buttons and my pink skirt! When we were in the van I got to ride in the back with Aunt Amy!
Pea: And I got to ride in the middle by myself and Uncle Ka-Ka was playing with me the whole time!
Princess: Aunt Amy is the best because she likes to sing with me and tell me stories and I told her how there were crocodiles in the town that we had to save like from Diego. Good thing I learned what to do because crocodiles are scared of people!
Pea: And I got to eat crackers!
Princess: First we went to the tunnel store which is where my Daddy lives. Well, Mommy says that's not where he lives but it's where his office is. And he's there a lot so it's kind of where he lives during the day.
Pea: But at night he comes home and snuggles with me!
Princess: And me! Anyway we picked out some lunch and I got to walk around with them all by myself  and I helped them pick out all the best things to eat.
Pea: I helped Mommy get lots of water and then I drank some.
Princess: Your life is thrilling, Pea. After that we went to the playground!! The playground is sooooo fun because there's so much to do and there is a real fire truck to play on! I got to drive everyone around!
Pea: I did too!
Princess: Uncle Cawey (I can finally say his name!) is the best because he went under the playground with us and we made birthday cakes with the rocks and sticks and they were so yummy and pretty!
Pea: The was my favorite part!
Princess: Then I had to go potty so Mommy and I went and we got tickets for the train! I was really worried that the train would leave without us but Mommy said it wouldn't. When we got back Pea and Amy and Cawey were swinging so I wanted to swing too!
Pea: Aunt Amy is the best! She got me my hat so the sun was off my face and she put my other hat on the swing so it wouldn't be too hot on my legs.
Princess: It was pretty hot on the swing so we went to have lunch. I also got to show off how I good I am at walking on top of walls!
Pea: Me too! I was singing my theme song like I do whenever I do anything dangerous-it goes "De da da da! De da da da!" Pretty cool.
Princess: Well, I don't need a theme song to be cool! Anyway we played a little but then it was time to ride the train and Mommy got us snow cones to eat!
Pea: I was so lucky because I had Mommy AND Amy feeding me mine! I cooled down really fast!
Princess: The train is fun because you get to go through tunnels! The best tunnel is the one at the end but it was kind of scary because all the kids on the train started screaming when we were inside and I didn't know what was wrong!
Pea: I think they just like to scream. I like to scream! Listen! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Princess: ANYWAY! After the train ride we were all sweaty so we went to Barton Springs to swim. I love swimming underwater!
Pea: I was getting pretty sleepy but I still wanted to swim for a little bit. But then I decided that I wanted a nap so Mommy took me up on the hill under our umbrella and we cuddled and I fell asleep.
Princess: I got to swim with Cawey and Amy all by myself! My favorite part was when I swam in between his legs because it was like a tunnel! Then I was getting sleepy too so I came up and laid down with Mommy. But then I decided I wasn't sleepy so instead we painted Mommy's nails. It was a good thing I had remembered my nail polish! I was hungry too since I was too excited before to eat lunch so we all had snack and played with my Mickey Mouse toys that I got for being a good nurse for Daddy and talked. Cawey is good at playing with Mickey Mouse toys. He is really good at doing the Donald Duck voice! Pea took a REALLY long nap but she finally woke up and I wanted to go home but we decided to go feed the ducks instead. I'm not really sure what happened next because we got in the stroller and I fell asleep.
Pea: I was awake!! We went down to the lake and we got out our bread and we fed the ducks and the turtles and the pigeons and there was even a squirrel! I was really good at it. The pieces I threw were the biggest ones and I screamed, "EAT!" at the animals so they would know what to do. Then we went back to the car so we could go get something to eat and cool off.
Princess: I really hate waking up from naps! Especially hot sweaty naps when I am thirsty! But it was nice and cool at the restaurant and I made everyone laugh because I put straws in my mouth and gave myself fangs and pretended I was a bat!
Pea: I did it too!
Princess: You only did it because I did!
Pea: But everyone laughed at me too!
Princess: Whatever. Dinner was good but then we got to go to the toy store!! The toy store is great because they have all kinds of kitty cat stuff and I told Mommy everything that I wanted for my birthday!
Pea: My favorite part was riding the horseys!
Princess: They are donkeys Pea. But they are the best! You can bounce on them and some have silly costumes. Plus they have really cute little tiny baby ones!
Pea: I didn't want to leave so Mommy gave me a baby one to carry around but guess what? I sat on it anyway and it was fun!
Princess: I found a whole bucket of snakes and guess what? There was a pink one in there and it was my favorite!!
Pea: I wrapped the pink one all around me and it looked cool!
Princess: Then we got strawberry milkshakes because they sell them at the toy store too!
Pea: They even have baby ones just my size!
Princess: They are really good. It was hard though because Mommy held them in the car and I had to wait all the way until we got to the place to watch the bats to eat mine!
Pea: I hadn't seen the bats before so I was really excited!
Princess: All the bats live under this bridge and everyone goes and watches them when they fly out at night. I was telling Amy that bats eat fruit but Mommy said that these bats eat bugs. Gross!
Pea: They flew out and they were everywhere!! And they were squeaky!
Princess: I kind of got tired of the bats pretty quick so I just started running around. Cawey ran with me! I didn't want to leave but it was getting late so we all went to the van and got into our pajamas and rode home. I really wanted Mommy to play the doctor song but she said it wasn't working and we played something else. Sometimes I don't think Mommy tells me the truth about things.
Pea: I tried to stay awake but I was very tired and I fell alseep.
Princess: I didn't! I stayed awake all the way home and I didn't want to go to sleep in my bed so I got to come out and talk to Cawey and Amy for awhile. I love them so much! It was really hard because when we got up in the morning I wanted to go wake them up but they were gone!
Pea: I was so sad to see that they had left!
Princess: It was the best day ever. I hope they come see us again!
Pea: Me too!

Princess Diary: Punk Rock Princess!

       Guess what I got to do for the very first time this weekend? I got my hair cut! First we took my Mommy to get her hair cut and then I thought it was my turn but we had to wait some more and have lunch. I kept saying that I was not very good at waiting but they made me wait anyway! We finally got over to my haircut place and I wanted Daddy to come in too but Pea was asleep in the car so he stayed with her so just me and my Mommy went. We went inside and it was so cool! They had all kinds of pretty wands and wings and tiaras and things to look at, and then we got to play with trains and do puzzles while we waited! When it was my turn I got to pick where I wanted to sit. They had an airplane, and a yellow car, and a fire truck. I picked the fire truck of course! The best part was that it had a bell you could ring on the front! Mommy got me strapped in and then the haircut lady started brushing my hair. Honestly, I didn't even notice because the panda bear was on TV so I just watched him the whole time. I wanted to hold Mommy's hand the first time the haircut lady cut my hair because I thought it might hurt, but it didn't hurt at all! It was over pretty quick and I got to have a lollipop and pick a prize out of the prize box! I thought that I was going to get to pick out a tiara or a wand so I was sad when I saw the prize box because there wasn't anything cool in there. Mommy found a pink thing though and when you push it and set it on the table it pops up into the air! Not as cool as a tirara, but it will do. They also gave me a card with a little bit of my hair inside and a picture of me so I can always remember my first haircut. I looked so awesome in that fire truck! The main reason I wanted to get my hair cut is because Mommy said that after I did that we could put pink in my hair. I have been asking for my hair to be pink for a long time now and she FINALLY let me! First I had to wash my hair and then I had to dry it. Mommy put a little pink in her hair too so she did all the steps with me. I thought the pink stuff might hurt my head, but it didn't! I just had to leave it in FOREVER and not touch it which was very hard. We watched a movie while we waited, but it wasn't a movie I wanted to watch. Mommy and Daddy said it was a movie for me but I didn't like it very much. Anyway we finally got to wash it out and guess what? I have pink in my hair now!! It's only a little bit though because Mommy said we had to see if I liked it first so I told her that I like it and that I want it ALL OVER my head! She said maybe next time. She says that A LOT. People keep telling me how cool they think my pink hair is and I'm prettty sure the other kids I see are jealous. Someone today called me a Princess!! Maybe because I was wearing a princess dress and had my dancing shoes and a wand, but probably because of my pink hair. I'm going to have pink hair FOREVER!

Power Struggles with Pea

           My little Pea is growing up. She seems to have really hit a developmental growth spurt these past couple of weeks and is turning into quite the grown up! Basically, this means that she has started to not only figure out that she wants things how she wants them, but also that she has power over me. Namely: absolutely refusing to do something by running away, using her fat rolls as weapons, and throwing tantrums. She will no longer get into her carseat willingly, will run away immediately upon seeing a diaper or clothes in my hands, and has pretty much taken on the dominant role when it comes to breastfeeding. Although she hasn't quite figured out that she can pull up my shirt in the grocery store checkout line like Princess did, it's getting to be pretty close. Nursing is always so lovely in the beginning! You cuddle your little one, using the bonding time to stare lovingly down at them and admire how perfect they are. As they get older, they start to set the terms. It's like... well have you ever seen a nature show where a lion chases down an antelope and you watch it chowing down afterwards? It's kind of like that, with only a little less blood. Nowadays Pea throws me down, pulls my shirt up, has her way with me and leaves me rocking in the corner and crying. But the way Pea has really chosen to show her newfound independence is when we go to the store. The store is a hard place for kids because they are used to going places where they are allowed to play with everything and they have no concept of money so they don't understand why they can't carry around that crystal vase since it's so pretty. Princess will sometimes ride in the cart or walk with me, but she has pretty much gotten past the stage of just grabbing things off the shelves or throwing tantrums about wanting something. She has started to grasp the idea of money, and since she can help me shop she feels like she is picking things out anyway. Plus, I am totally that Mom that usually finds something small to buy the girls on our shopping trips. Thank you Target and your lovely dollar section!
               Anyway, we went to Hobby Lobby the other day so that Princess could pick out supplies to make a dream catcher. She has been having nightmares off and on for awhile (usually when her Daddy is out of town) and I thought that maybe a dream catcher would do the trick. It ended up being the fuzziest, pinkest dream catcher you have ever seen, but it seems to actually be working! When we got the store, Pea laid down the law and refused to get into the cart. Usually this trick is solved if Princess will agree to get in the cart with her, but the carts there are tiny so I thought that this may be a good time to just see how Pea would do walking with me. Mistake Number One. Pea, so excited that she could actually go and grab the merchandise immediately began shopping. She came across some little metal buckets and managed to grasp three in each of her chubby hands. I was actually ok with this, because at least now her hands were full and I thought we might be able to get through the store. Mistake Number Two. The problem with buckets, is that they can be filled with things. All kinds of things. As we made our way down the aisles, Pea would set her buckets down, put a few things inside, and then grab them again and keep on trucking. Pretty soon she had some fake grapes, beaded necklaces, paint brushes, some kitty cat paper plates, party napkins, a pinwheel and some yarn. I kept trying to sneak things out to put them back so we wouldn't make too much of a mess for the employees, but it was a bit like trying to snatch dinner from a cobra because if she caught me there was an immediate hiss and the possibility of a bite so I had to sneak in quickly and then jump back. Princess wasn't helping because she kept finding things to put in Pea's buckets and anytime I would take something out she would say, "But Pea wants it Mommy! She loves those things!" Needless to say we had been in the store half an hour and I still hadn't found what we had come in for. Pea soon abandoned her buckets in favor of just grabbing stuff of the shelves, looking at it until she was done, and then just tossing it on the floor or trying to put it into the cart. I was pretty much just running after the two girls putting things back-nevermind that I was still not sure where to find dream catcher supplies! Then, it happened. Pea found the best thing that she had ever seen in the whole world and was immediately enthralled: a feather boa. She screamed when she saw it and went booking down the aisle to grab it. We admired the lovely boas for a few minutes and then it was time to move on, but Pea wasn't having it. She refused to let me take it out of her hands, and when I finally pried it out she immediately fell to the floor in a full out tantrum.
             Now, I had a bit of experience with Princess and tantrums, and there's a few different ways to handle it. You can go pick them up and attempt to carry them out or throw them into the cart, but let me ask you, would you go pick up a rabid, hissing raccoon? It's kind of like that, only with slightly less chance to catch rabies. Picking them up usually only makes the tantrum worse, and you will probably get maimed in the process. As long as they aren't actually destroying the store or hurting themselves, I usually just let them go ahead and finish. Of course, this route means that you need to be ready to see the whole store rush over and stare since they are positive from the noise that someone is being murdered. Most people see what's happening, offer an encouraging smile, and move on. Then you have the ones who want to linger and will just stand awkwardly and stare with their mouths open. Then there's the ones who like to offer advice, most of it a bit old fashioned or at least not how we are wanting to parent. I had such a gem offered to me while Pea was rolling around in the aisle:

Old Guy: "Seems like she's a bit upset."
Me: "Seems like it."
Old Guy: "You know, back in my day, my parents wouldn't have stood for this kind of thing."
Me: "Huh. Well, I usually just give her a minute and then she works through it and we move on. Did you need something in this aisle? I can move her."
Old Guy: "Seems to me that she's the one who needs something. My Daddy would have tanned my hide so fast..."

I really wish I was better at responding to people like this. Instead of a really clever, witty retort I just mumble something and move away. I wish I could have said something like, "Oh good so you respond to violence, then? If I start smacking you will you go away?" but I just am usually too flabbergasted that a stranger will tell me how to parent to respond well. I know that as parents (and especially as non-parents) we all think we have the answers, but the best thing a stranger can do if they really want to help is to simply offer encouragement and move on. I certainly don't want to hang out with a kid throwing a tantrum, why would a random person want to??
           Pea calmed down eventually and we found everything we needed for the dreamcatcher for Princess. I was thinking about how big Pea is getting now, and how throwing tantrums is actually just a sign that she is gettting older and more aware of who she is and what she wants. I can see now how the youngest child is babied because it really is hard for me to see her as anything but my little baby, whereas I automatically saw Princess as much older once Pea came along. I was bribing and struggling with getting Pea into her carseat when I saw that same old guy walking by and shaking his head. Maybe next time I see him I will have something clever to say, but I suppose knowing that I am doing the best I can is the best way to get back at him. Well, that, and also that Princess happened to stick her lollipop against his car door and I may or may not have left it there.

Princess: Go Vegan, Spider!

Today when we were leaving to go in the van I saw a poor little baby roly poly stuck in a spider web! I wanted to get it out because I was afraid the spider would eat it but Mommy told me that it was already dead and we couldn't help it. I told her the spider was mean and she said that spiders have to eat bugs just like we have to eat our own food and that if they didn't eat bugs then there would be so many bugs that we wouldn't even be able to walk without stepping on them! I guess that's good. I asked Mommy if we eat bugs and she said no, we don't eat bugs or any animals because we are vegan. I said that the spider should eat leaves and tofu like we do so that they don't have to eat poor little bugs. I went over to the web and I said, "Go vegan, spider!" Hmph. I hope he heard me.

Princess and Pea Diary: Daddy's Home!

Princess: Our Daddy is home! He has been on an airplane for a long time and I have missed him so, so much!
Pea: Me too! Me too! I would stand at the end of the driveway and shout, "da da!" but he never came!
Princess: Mommy said that he would be coming home really late and that I would be asleep when we went to pick him up. I said that I would sleep on the couch and wait so that as soon as he got home he could come and give me a bear hug and a big kiss.
Pea: Me too! Me too!
Princess: You didn't want to sleep on the couch Pea! You wanted to sleep on the bed with Mommy because you're just a baby.
Pea: You like to sleep with Mommy too and besides I like kisses from Daddy!
Princess: Well, anyway I went to sleep and then Mommy got me and put me in the car. Then we drove and drove and drove a long time and I went back to sleep and when I opened my eyes my Daddy was in the car! He gave me hugs and kisses and I told him all about how Kiyoshi came to play with me and then I told him how much I missed him!
Pea: Me too!
Princess: You did not! You slept the whole time! Anyway after he gave me hugs I told him I was sleepy and I went back to sleep.
Pea: Then we got home and I got kisses too!
Princess: You were still sleeping.
Pea: But I got kisses anyway!
Princess: We both went back to sleep but when I woke up guess what? Daddy was still there! And he gave me presents! He got me a monster shirt which I didn't like at first because I don't like monsters because they're scaaaaaaary but then when he got home from his office I liked it.
Pea: And I got one too and I liked it!
Princess: You didn't like it until later either. I was worried that when Daddy left he wouldn't be coming back again but he did! He came back home and we had dinner and played tickle monster chase!
Pea: I played too! And Daddy carried me around and I got to sit on his lap!
Princess: Yeah but he played with me more. After dinner he helped me make a dream catcher so I won't have bad dreams!
Pea: Me too!
Princess: You did not! You don't have bad dreams and besides all you did was eat the beads and then you fell asleep on Mommy.
Pea: Well, I was tired ok??
Princess: It was kind of boring making the dream catcher so I made a spider web with the yarn in Daddy's office. It was cool! I don't know why Mommy and Daddy didn't like it.
Pea: Probably because I kept getting caught in it.
Princess: Yeah, you kept messing it up! Anyway, the dream catcher Daddy made me is pink and fuzzy with pink beads and pink feathers that I picked out and guess what? It worked and last night I didn't have bad dreams!
Pea: Yeah and Daddy is going to come home again tonight and have dinner with us and take a bath!
Princess: I know-I was the one who told you that this morning! I love having my Daddy home!
Pea: Me too! Me too!

Ballet Under the Stars: An Epic Fail of a Night

           Princess cannot wait to take a "real dancing class with pink tutus and pink shoes and pink tights"! I realized that she hadn't actually seen a live dance concert, so when I heard about the free ballet at a local park we made plans to go. My husband is out of town, so it was a girl's night out to the ballet! Princess was so excited she actually agreed to take a nap, and when she woke up it was full on ballerina mode. She wanted to wear her tutu (a pink swimsuit with a tutu sewn in), and let me know that Pea wanted to wear the same one. I had to buy Pea her own suit like this, after she kept trying to stick her little fat feet through the leg holes before Princess could when dressing, thinking that this would make it hers. Princess also decided that she needed "dancing shoes" which are some plastic play high heeled shoes. Pea wanted some too, and as we headed out they were both decked out in tutus, tiaras, bows, high heeled shoes, necklaces, bracelets and wands. I love the imagination kids have when it comes to dressing! Princess has always loved to accessorize, ever since she was around 18 months and fell in love with mardi gras beads. She wore them everywhere, which inspired a lot of really uncomfortable jokes. Her absolute favorite thing to wear at that age? A huge bling necklace with a giant dollar sign hanging from the chain. I really don't know how we acquired this piece-evidently it was a leftover from one of my husband's Halloween costumes but I tried not to ask too many questions. She wore it everywhere, and it was one of the few times that I made an effort to make sure people knew that she had been the one to pick it out. I usually don't worry about what people think of how my kids are dressed because I'd like to think that if the outfit is totally crazy they will realize that they dressed themselves. I mean, surely if they see that I am dressed in clothes that match they will assume that I did not plan my children's wardrobes. Unless, that is, my clothes really don't match...
           Anyway! We swung by Whole Foods to pick up a picnic dinner and then went out to the park. It was a beautiful 100 degrees, but we had our pick of spots since we were early and got a place front and center. We threw down our blanket and went to find some shade to eat dinner. The girls had picked out vegan pizza, and I had also gotten them some veggies and strawberries. I had gotten some vegan chicken salad and some rolls, and was super stoked to enjoy the food. Opening the container, it looked a little different than normal. Smelling it... what the heck was this? How did I get Tuna salad instead of vegan chicken salad? Awesome-distracted Mom in the grocery store strikes again! Ok, well surely... how did I only buy this for myself for dinner? I usually buy enough food to feed an army so the fact that I suddenly just had a roll to eat was a bit out of character. No matter, when the girls weren't looking I snagged a few bites and missing one meal certainly won't hurt me! Nothing was going to ruin our wonderful outing! After a lovely picnic the girls wanted to eat their popsicles so we went and sat on the blanket by the stage in the sun and watched the dancers warm up. Princess and Pea were so taken by the dancers already! They stood up and started to try and copy their movements and the dancers looked out and saw them in their tutus and started waving at them! A couple even came out and told the girls they were cute and showed Princess a few moves. The girls were on cloud nine and I was feeling quite smug with the fun event I had brought them to. The show was going to start at seven and it was about quarter til when I realized that something was wrong if they were still putting up lights, setting music, and the dancers were still warming up in their sweats. A few of us were getting nervous that we had gotten the time wrong, and it turns out that they had advertised it wrong and the show started at 8:30. Now, for those of you that have had to keep small children busy in 100 degree heat for a couple of hours know that suddenly adding an hour and a half onto your sentence is daunting. Especially when it's already getting close to bedtime and you're not sure if the girls will last until the show starts. But, feeling that it would be unfair to just go home, I tried to make the best of the situation. Luckily there is an awesome natural pool at the park and the girls were already in their suits, so we just headed over to swim for a bit.
            The only problem with this plan is that I didn't have a bathing suit. I thought I might have one hanging out in the van since I kind of have a little bit of everything else in there, but no such luck. I did randomly have Princess' swim floaties so that was good, and I applauded myself for being lazy and not cleaning out the van since it came in so handy. I kind of go back and forth on this-being lazy and having lots of random stuff in the van has come in handy lots of times, but every time I lift out the girls' seats and discover the little world of food and randomness living under that I vow to stop off at the vacuum every day on our way home. It's kind of a vicious cycle. I considered swimming in my underwear since it was the one time in my life that my underwear and bra actually matched, but I just couldn't do it. I blame it on being a Mom, but I also wondered if I would get kicked out. Luckily the pool has one whole end that really only goes up to my knees so I waded in after the girls and they walked around. Oh, to be surrounded by water that you can't actually swim in on a hot day! Torture. Luckily, I wasn't tortured for long. There's lots of algae at the bottom of the pool, and without shoes it can be quite slippery. I was helping Princess over a rock when my foot hit a slick spot and up in the air I went. Splash! It probably wouldn't have been a big deal, I mean it felt amazing, but I had decided to wear a light dress that is actually quite clingy. I hadn't realized this in the store since going into a dressing room with kids is a horrible idea and I usually end up having to run out half naked after one of them, but needless to say it was extra clingy wet. Besides the fact that my underwear matched, it was also a not of the "Mom" variety. Why is it that whenever I find myself in a situation as Mom that shows off my underwear it's always when I decide to try and be human again and wear something fun? And yes, this has happened to me more often than it should happen to anyone.
            Basically, I was now walking around leaving nothing to anyone's imagination about my underwear, how big my ass really is, or my Momma pooch, which I can't seem to get rid of no matter how many times I start to work out and then quit days later. Really, you'd think I would have seen some sort of improvement by now. At this point Princess also informed me that she had pooped in her swimsuit. Awesome since she wasn't wearing a swim diaper and I hadn't brought any wipes with me. Yay for outdoor showers in the women's locker room! We got all cleaned up, I could already feel my dress drying in the heat, and had only been called a hooker once. We were still having fun! With more time to kill, we headed over to the playgrond. Now, this playground is awesome but absolutely huge. I honestly don't like going to it by myself with the girls because it's hard to keep track of both of them at once. Faced with another hour to kill, I decided it was worth it. I took Pea on a slide, and since it was a faster tube slide I put her on my lap and down we went. Sort of. About halfway through my wet dress slid out from under me and my wet thighs got completely stuck on the plastic. I mean, we were wedged. And boy, gotta love the sound wet skin makes on plastic! Suddenly, I felt something hit me and I realized that kids were still coming down the slide! I tried to tell them to stop but they kept coming! It was a train of children with me in the lead, and each time they bumped me I would slide forward a bit, squeaking the whole way. BUMP! SKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! BUMP! SKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! It was not attractive and it was starting to burn, but since concerned parents were sticking their heads up the slide and getting a full look at what was under my skirt instead, I thought it best to put up with the pain. After about 50 children piled into the slide, I popped out like a cork from a bottle and they all came flying out behind me. We all sat around dazed for a moment and I watched as Moms and Dads rushed to collect their children while giving me the hairy eyeball. Ok, so no more slides!! Princess and Pea had a blast and time passed quickly-soon it was time to head over to the show! I gave us a bit of time since it was a little further away and I needed to change Pea's diaper-the poor thing had a regular one on and it had soaked up most of the water from the pool so she was having to waddle around the playground to compensate for how gigantic it was. The only way off the play scape was down the slide, so down we went again with my now dry dress held firmly in place. We walked away and I went to check the time on my phone again, and here is where the night went from comically tragic to tragic. My phone was gone. Well, ok I mean I just looked at it and then went down the slide so it should still be there... it's not. If this were a TV show, cue the clip of someone dumping an enormous pile of crap on my head. I started frantically searching the playground, while Pea (who had just been promised milk) clinged to me crying and Princess (who had just been promised another popsicle and a dancing show) dug in her heels and made me drag her the entire way. A lovely, lovely woman asked what was wrong and sent her two children out to search, and she also started calling my phone. So, so nice! We looked for at least half an hour but by the end 20 parents had looked over the playground and we concluded someone had picked it up. A huge cosmic thank you to all of you that helped me last night-I hope wonderful things happen to you in return! I did get lucky though and the one pay phone left in America was located next to the snack shack and magically still had the receiver attached and didn't have gum stuck in the buttons and I was able to call my husband to get him to cancel my phone line. Plus, since I had to shell out $3.25 for a bottle of water because I hadn't planned to BE IN THE PARK FOR 10 HOURS I had lots of quarters. So, ok, not gonna cry yet-let's go see this stupid ballet damnit!!
           I had lucked out with the best parking spot ever, so while I was changing Pea, Princess dug through the bag and discovered that the leftover popsicles had completely melted. Suddenly, she is melting down about popsicles, Pea is refusing to leave the car and is grabbing the steering wheel with her hands while I pull on her ankles, and people are stopping to stare. Somehow, the show hasn't started yet!! We can still make it! I tucked a girl under each arm, grabbed my bag, and jogged over to the stage. I'm sure people were super stoked to find me coming, and especially when they found out they were sitting next to me. Princess was still upset that we didn't have "popa-cycles", I was trying to finish getting Pea dressed, and once we sat down I discovered that we couldn't see the stage. The sound guys were sitting front and center, which I may have known if WE HADN'T SHOWN UP 5 HOURS EARLY and a Dad and his two daughters were sitting on the ledge right in front of us. I pulled a Seth Myers and went through a "Really?" segment in my head. I mean, REALLY? We get an awesome spot, front and center, and the sound guys are blocking the stage? REALLY? We leave to go kill time for 2 hours after already killing time for 2 hours and we come back to a full hillside so WE CAN'T EVEN MOVE? REALLY? I have walked around looking like a drowned rat and getting dirty looks, I'm starving, I got stuck in a slide and I LOST MY FREAKING PHONE TO SEE THIS STUPID BALLET AND NOW WE CAN'T EVEN SEE THE STAGE?? REALLY?? AARGGEEEEEEHHHHHHHAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Somehow, the people heard me. Maybe I actually said that last part out loud-I'm not sure, but suddenly the family in front of us moved down to the ground from the ledge and the sound guys actually scooted over. Suddenly, we had the best view in the house! And the show was starting! And I remembered that I had bought a pack of vegan brownies and we suddenly had sweets! If it hadn't been dark I would have sworn I was sitting in a beacon of light.
           The show was awesome, and both girls were completely into it the whole time. Pea kept standing up to dance and clap, and both got upset whenever a song was over. The show was to rock music, so it was a lot of fun. Princess turned to me after each song and said, "Are there going to be more Princesses??" and when I would say yes her face would absolutely light up and she would turn back to the stage with her eyes glowing. The family in front of us turned out to be awesome-we talked during intermission and the Dad's two twin daughters danced with Astoria and showed her some ballet moves while we talked and Pea got to pet his dog. He even didn't mind that during the second act Pea got so excited that she let out the banshee a few times. Somehow he actually thought this was cute so I went with it. We gathered our blanket and pillows after the show and made the short walk back to our car, all of us still swaying to the music. Princess broke down once we got in, mostly because it was now 10 pm but also because she said, "I don't want to leave the show! I love the show so much!"
            I got her to calm down and as we were driving home in the sleepy darkness, she made the whole night totally worth it:
P: "Mommy? Am I growing all the time?"
M: "Yup-you're getting bigger every day!"
P: "Am I growing up to be a Mommy?"
M: "You're growing up to be big like a Mommy and if you want to be a Mommy you certainly can be."
P: "I think I do want to grow up to be a Mommy. I want to be a Mommy like you because you took me to see the dancing show and it was the best thing ever!"
            Sigh. And once again, my little ones are able to pull me back off the ledge that they pushed me out onto in the first place. In the end, it's just a lost phone, and because I had an awesome app on there I was able to locate it and see that it was stolen, wipe all data from it, plus it had backed up all my pictures and stuff to their website. The phone was a birthday present from my husband and that part sucks but I suppose it could have been worse-it could have been my car keys. Or my children. So now I am just waiting for the day that Princess, so inspired by the show she saw so early in life, becomes a world famous dancer and when she makes her first million she will send me a new phone (that will probably have holographic images shoot out of the person you are calling like Princess Leia) with a simple note that says, "Thanks for taking me to the dancing show Mommy, it was the best night ever."

Pea Diary: Mommy the Horse

           One of the best things about having a Mommy is that they react to whatever you are doing. I can make her copy me by making silly faces, and boy does she look silly! I can make her laugh by blowing on her belly or tickling her, and I can make her smile by giving her kisses. The best thing though, is making her jump. She's really funny when she does that, and all it takes is for me to squeeze her skin really hard with my fingers, or to bite her! This is really fun when I'm nursing, although I have to be careful not to do it too much or she won't let me nurse anymore. The absolute best was in the grocery store today. I was riding on her back in the carrier, which is nice when I am tired but lately I kind of hate it because I want to be with Princess picking out things I want off the shelf. It's so much fun to go shopping! And so easy! All you do is grab stuff off the shelf and then put it in the cart, and then they put it into bags for you! You even get to slide this cool card and push fun buttons! I say we do it every day. Anyway, I was on her back and I was pretty bored when it suddenly occured to me that there was a whole lot of skin, right in front of me just waiting to be bit. So I tried just a nibble on her shirt, and she jumped a little. She told me no, but I could tell she was just playing back. So I bit a little more. She jumped a little higher and told me no again. Boy, what a fun game! This time, I got a good mouthful and bit down hard. She actually left the ground and started jogging up and down the aisles! It was better than the horsey rides we do at home! People even stopped to watch because they were so jealous of all the fun I was having! The best part was that since I was strapped in, there was no danger of me falling, and she couldn't reach me to make me stop! I decided that maybe the game was over when she started moving back and forth so that I couldn't get a good grip on her back. That part made me a little dizzy and wasn't quite as fun. But boy, what a fun trip to the grocery store! I can't wait to do it again!

The Rules of Fight Club

           For parents, there really is nothing sweeter than sleeping children. Whether it's nap time or nighttime, when our little darlings are off to dreamland we all breathe a sigh of relief. As much as we all love our children, we can love them so much more after having a little break. Because of this, most parents believe very strongly in the power of the jinx. Going much further than the "jinx-you owe me a Coke!" of our middle school days, the jinx of the sleeping child holds great power. The few times my husband has come close to death by my hands have been the times when he uttered the most dangerous of words, "Wow! The girls have been sleeping a long time!" Usually he can't even finish this sentence before we hear a wail cutting through the quiet. I am so scared of this jinx, that I'm even attempting to write this while the girls are still awake. There have been times when I have even just thought about the girls sleeping well and they awoke. I have a friend who has solved this problem by following the rules from the book/movie fight club. The first rule of Fight Club: You do not talk about Fight Club. To get around the fact that you often do need to point out to a questioning spouse or friend where your child is, you simply substitute any dangerous words with the words, "fight club". Our conversations go like this:
"Hey S-what are you guys up to?"
"Well, C is finally fight club and D isn't sleeping but he's fight club. What about you?"
"Pea is fight club and Princess is helping me cook dinner."
"How is Princess doing with potty training?"
"Fight club."
 This conversation means that C is sleeping, D is being quiet in his room, and that Princess has actually had clean pants for the day. As you can see, the fight club tricks extends to much more than just sleeping. Any time your child may be doing something quietly and on their own, it's wise not to temp any disturbance. Of course, this concept works great if the two people talking actually get it. No matter how many times I have explained, my poor husband always gets confused, so our conversations generally go like this:
"Where are the girls?"
"Fight Club."
"Fight club? What?" (At this point I'm sure he's actually imagining a small boxing ring with babies duking it out)
"As in the first rule of fight club..."
"Oh right. They're sleeping. Awesome!"
"waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" from the monitor... and you get the point.
           Maybe your children don't fall to the power of the sleeping jinx, but I haven't met one yet that can resist the phone jinx. No matter how quiet, busy or sleepy your children are, as soon as you pick up the phone, all hell breaks loose. I actually tested this theory once when Pea was about six months old. She was in her bouncy seat, perfectly content, and as soon as I would put the phone to my ear, she would cry. I would put it down, she would stop. I whipped it up and down really fast a few times and she still followed through with crying and stopping. I may, in fact, have a genius on my hands, but since I'm her Mom and a little biased it's hard to tell. My husband likes me to handle any phone calls we may need to make, such as calls to the insurance company or to make doctor appointments for him. The fact that he thinks these calls will be really easy for me to do makes me realize that I really haven't made him spend enough time with the girls while also trying to get stuff done. While the girls may be quietly playing at the beginning, by the end the person on the other end of line is confused as to whether I am actually at a zoo, possibly even being assaulted by a lion, and whether they do in fact need to call 911. This is dangerous for a lot of reasons, most notably because you end up paying much more on insurance than you meant to, you make appointments for wrongs days, or the police even show up at your door.
             After such a success of the first rule of Fight Club, I wondered if the other rules would be just as good. I don't consider myself a glutton for punishment, and I wouldn't even be on the homeschooling path or have had a second child if I hated being alone with them, but I do admit that each day feels much like a preparation for an epic battle. Maybe that's one of the reasons we love bedtime so much-it's a sign of victory that we have indeed survived the day. I would actually keep score, but I am terrified that I am losing.
            Rule #2: You DO NOT talk about Fight Club. Exactly. Someone tell my husband. You know, I wonder if this would actually be a great way to scare away salesmen. I know they have a job to do, but they seem to always ring the doorbell as soon as I am getting the girls to sleep for nap or even bedtime. This does not bode well for them, especially the ones who ring the doorbell more than once. If you have ever encountered a sleep deprived stay at home mom who has just had their one chance for rest snatched away from them, you understand how absolutely terrifying it can be. It scares me, and I'm the one doing it. I have scared away many a salesman in my day, but perhaps those stories are for another time. I have had friends who put up signs like, "Shhh! Baby sleeping!" or "Please don't ring the doorbell" and even, "If you are trying to sell me something leave now while you still have all your body parts" but all of them have had someone ring that stupid doorbell. If I put up a sign that just said, "Fight Club: Follow the F*cking Rules" maybe they actually would.... or at least be too confused to ring the bell.
               Rule #3: If someone says "stop", goes limp, or taps out, the fight is over. I think this is a good general rule for any household to follow. This is pretty much what I tell Princess every day when she and Pea are playing. If she asks to stop, goes limp, or comes to me to get out of the game, it's probably something that shouldn't continue. I wonder if I would get strange looks if this rule was posted on their bedroom wall?
               Rule #4: Only two guys to a fight. While I think this would apply much more if I had more than two kids, it's actually a good thing for me to remember. The girls fighting is enough noise and if I start yelling back then there's just way too much going on. Princess has finally gotten to the age where she has realized that I am a hypocrite. She will be yelling at myself or Pea, and I will yell back, "STOP YELLING! IT'S NOT NICE TO YELL!" She will then ask me why I get to yell and I respond with the words that I never thought I would actually say, "BECAUSE I'M THE MOM!" I hate to tell you this new parents, but you will in fact say all the things that you swore you never would say, and you are in fact turning into your parents as we speak. Really. It's happening.
                Rule #5: One fight at a time. Again, a good one. Everyone knows that feeling of tension when you are fighting with someone else in the house. If you limit yourself to just one child or spouse to fight with at once, that will definitely help on the tension and ensure that you have at least one person to talk to throughout the day who isn't planning your demise.
               Rule #6: No shirt, no shoes. Psht. My children live by this rule anyway. If they could go around without clothes or shoes on all the time they would, and honestly I think they are much happier for it. Of course, this gets a little tricky when you are out in public and you are struggling to keep the nudists dressed just to get throught the grocery store, but if you have a newer baby and they are fussing, try getting them naked. I swear, it works a remarkable amount of the time.
               Rule #7: Fights will go on as long as they have to. I know that most of you with little ones can't imagine that you will ever fight with them, but let's just call it the battle of wills. There will be times when you will have to try and get them to do things that they don't want to do and if you give in, even once, they will pounce upon your weakness and never let you forget it. I have given in many a time, and I can show you the footprints all over my back to prove it. The most recent battle Princess and I are having is getting her to sleep in her own room. Sometimes it takes an hour to convince her to lay in her own bed and then to actually fall asleep (unless her Daddy is putting her to bed and it takes five minutes), but I have to stay strong. The mere fact that I get to fall asleep without a foot in my face makes it well worth it.
                 Rule #8: If this is your first night at fight club, you HAVE to fight. Ok well this one may just be a little out there. I'm really not condoning you fighting with a newborn, although anyone will tell you that your first night as a new parent usually is quite the battle whether you want it to be or not. Our first night with Princess was spent in the hospital which was awful to begin with, especially since I had had an uneventful natrual birth. My poor husband was given a chair to sleep in and I had to beg the nurse for a sheet so that he wouldn't freeze to death by the a/c. Princess woke up every couple of hours to nurse, I was having trouble getting that to work and getting her to eat well, and the nurses kept coming in to take my temperature, push on my stomach and generally take away the five minutes of sleep I was getting. They also kept trying to sneak Princess back into her bassinet and out of my arms thinking I was asleep, so I had to keep an ever vigilant eye. Hmmm.... so ok I guess that rule does work. Fight dear parents, and keep up that good fight. You may lose that first night like I did, but I promise it gets better.
                  We find inspiration in strange places as parents, and maybe we apply everything we see and hear to our world because being a parent takes over your world so completely. Hopefully being involved in a family fight club hasn't revealed that you actually have a split personality and are blowing up buildings and killing people, but in general I think that's a pretty rare thing.
                    Shhhh..... wait, do you hear that? The sound of beautiful, wonderful quiet? It's...fight club.

Princess Diary: Never, Ever Again!

              I will never, ever, ever, ever lay down in my very own bed again!! I want to sleep in Mommy's bed and she says that I have to sleep in my bed and I am saying that I will never do it ever again!! I told her that I am very sleepy and I want to lay down with her and she said that since I am getting bigger it's time for me to lay in my own bed. Well, I have decided that I am NOT going to get bigger! I am going to get smaller and smaller so I can lay in Mommy's bed!! My bed is not comfy like Mommy's bed and besides I always have bad dreams in my bed and I know I will have bad dreams tonight so I am never going to lay down in it again! Hmph! Mommy asked if I wanted to switch sheets with Pea so that I can have the flower ones. That would be nice... but I still don't ever want to lay in it! Maybe it's ok to read stories in my bed. And maybe if Mommy lays with me to read stories and I have flower sheets and I just... lay... down... yaaawwwnnnn. Ok maybe I'm too sleepy and I can lay in my bed tonight. BUT I AM NOT GOING TO LIKE IT!

Mature Content

        When I was first pregnant, I couldn't wait to do things like watch Sesame Street and listen to Tom Chapin (the artist I listened to as a kid) with my little one. Even when she was a baby, I would play kids music every now and then in the car, or put on PBS in the mornings. I was so sensitive to what I watched around her or listened to, because I wasn't sure how much she was hearing. I thought it was so cute when she actually started to get excited about certain music or shows, and I couldn't wait to see her pleased face when I turned on something she liked. That went out the window as soon as I met Dora the Explorer. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Dora. Princess has picked up quite a bit of spanish from the show, and it's great as far as problem solving goes, but really... does she have to shout? I really don't think everything is quite as exciting as she makes it out to be. Dora isn't the only problem. It turns out that kids like repitition. As in, Princess finds one song she likes and wants to listen to it over and over and over and over and over and over again in the car. I have a feeling that this is a major contribution to minivan road rage. I have heard "hickory dickory dock" so many times that when I hear bells my eye starts to twitch. We bought a cd written by Sandra Boynton who is an awesome children's author and there were some great names on it. Blues Traveler, The Bacon Brothers, even Kate Winslet and Weird Al have a duet. My husband and I were excited because we actually liked the music! We finally had a cd that was both appropriate for the kids and something we wanted to listen to! That lasted about a week, when  we couldn't get past the first song because it was her favorite and the only thing she would listen to. My husband has sort of solved this problem for himself by declaring that when he's driving, we play Daddy music. Which, while I will say Daddy music is the most eclectic mix ever with music from Johnny Cash to Earth Crisis, has recently been nothing but Ke$ha. I hadn't heard of her when Daddy dearest first bought the cd, but as soon as I saw that she had a dollar sign in her name I knew it had to be good. There's some real classics on there, with lyrics such as, "Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?" to spelling out the word "dinosaur" in reference to an old guy hitting on her. Which, actually, has taught Princess to spell the words "dinosaur" and "old man", so I guess I shouldn't be complaining. The thing is that her music is actually kind of catchy, and both the girls had fun dancing to it so we breathed a sigh of relief, escaped terrible recordings of children singing and had dance parties in the car. This works fine until your lovely little ones start actually repeating what they hear in the music. When she started singing, "Stephen, why won't you call me?" while playing with her dolls one day, I knew there was a problem. It's kind of surreal when you realize that these little creatures that have been living with you for a few years are actually people and will actually start to talk, not only to you, but to anyone they run into. This makes you really start to think about what they are picking up on around the house. At least, it should. I have a bad habit of watching tv while I fold laundry. It's really the only way I can make myself fold laundry without wanting to jump in front of a bus, and usually it's something that I save until the girls go to bed so that I can actually watch my show in peace. Every now and then, I will try to do this chore and watch something while they play, usually in the same room. Hulu, the greatest thing ever invented, makes it really easy for me to keep up on shows that I normally can't stay awake for like Saturday Night Live. Kind of sad that I can't stay awake to watch a show that I used to want to work for, but them's the breaks with kids right? Anyway, recently Justin Timberlake hosted and he and Andy Samberg did one of their songs. Seriously hilarious. I admit a played it a few times, which turns out was a pretty big mistake. As any parent knows, the grocery store is where we usually find out what our children are learning from us. Strangers love to approach children in grocery stores and ask them questions. I am always completely terrified about what might come out of Princess' mouth. I have no idea what I will do when Pea starts to talk, because right now I can hold one hand over someone's mouth and still have one hand to push the cart. This probably comes from the time that Princess saw a really fit woman in a bathing suit on a magazine cover and began to explain loudly how her body differed from mine when I'm naked. I'm sure if I had personal trainers and people I paid to shave my legs and do my hair or maybe just had 5 minutes alone in the bathroom I would look like that too. Anyway, we were checking out at the grocery store, and I heard Princess start to hum a famliar tune. I couldn't place what it was exactly, and was sort of distracted, until I heard her small voice saying, "It's ok... three ways. It's not gaaaaaayyyyyyy in a three ways!" Now, when small children talk, you can't always understand what they are saying. I was counting on this happening in this moment, but judging from the fact that the cashiers jaw hit the counter and the entire store stopped moving, I think she was choosing that moment to speak perfectly clear.
 "I...uh-I mean...hey babe-let's not sing too loud, ok?" Meanwhile Mrs. Marlboro '79 ringing up my stuff is still not moving.
"It's just-" I'm trying to explain! Where are words that can explain this?
"It's from Saturday Night Live and-"
She finally moves. "You let her stay up and watch Saturday Night Live?"
"YES!" I want to shout. "I put red bull in her sippy cup and make her stay up on Saturday Nights! She's also my wingman when I go out bar hopping!"
Instead I just stammer an apology, pay for my groceries, and leave the store red faced. Meanwhile, Princess has not stopped singing or dancing the entire time. And really, while we are on the subject of children repeating what they see, Moms should take some proper dance lessons before they have kids. You really don't want you kids thinking that dancing like Ally McBeal is actually good like my kids do.
         I have since had a talk with Princess about when it's appropriate to talk about things. But really, since I definitely wasn't going to explain what a three way is, it wasn't a very meaningful conversation. Instead, I went through my cd's in the car and sadly put away Ke$ha, Avenue Q, and a few other gems for embarrassment. Looks like I am back to living in hell, driving around listening to Hickory Dickory Dock on repeat.

Pea Diary: The Art of the Tantrum

I'm really not sure why my tantrums don't work on Mommy. I'm pretty sure I am doing everything right, but she doesn't really seem to care! Maybe I should think through and see if there's anything I can be doing better. First, when she says I can't have something, I start screaming. If that doesn't work, I throw myself at her feet. You have to do that real careful, because you could hurt yourself if you don't do it just right. If I want to go on my back, I very carefully sit down, and then very carefully roll onto my back and gently set my head on the ground. Then I can scream and kick my feet and shake my arms around! The only problem is that sometimes it takes me awhile to lay down so carefully and I forget why I was mad so then I just lay there for a few minutes until I find something else to do. Sometimes my Mommy starts clapping when I lay down so carefully and I get really excited that I am doing something right! Although.... wait. When she does that I forget why I was mad! Is she trying to trick me?? No, I don't think so. Mommies don't do that. Princess says they do, but I don't believe her because my Mommy is the best and she loves me and would never trick me. The other way to fall down is what I've heard Mommy call "the drama queen". I'm not sure what that means but Princess is always pretending to be a queen and Mommy thinks it's cute so I think those are good words. With this one I very slowly fall to my knees (again, it's important not to hurt yourself here) and then gently lower my forehead to the ground. Then I let out a really, really pituful cry and that one always makes Mommy say, "Awww!" and come rushing to get me. Mommy thinks it's really cute when I do this! Which, I guess, is a problem because then I'm proud of myself for being cute and I forget why I was mad. Hmmmm.... I really don't think I am doing this right!

Princess Diary: A Sad Day for Balloons

My mommy has made me very, very sad today. I only usually like going to the tunnel store to buy food because it has a playground and it's where my daddy works, but the best thing about the other store is that they have balloons! Today they didn't have the usual balloons and I was so, so sad until I saw that they had extra special long string balloons! Those are the best because you can twist them into all kinds of shapes like puzzles! I got one and then Pea got one and we were having so much fun! Mommy told me I had to be very careful when I was twisting them so that they didn't pop, so I was extra careful. We went to another store and got a present for my friend because she's sick and we also got her and her sister a balloon to make them feel better. Those are the really good ones and I picked out a special Elmo one and one with a flower that I just knew would make them feel better. When we were getting into the van, I said, "Mommy! Hold onto the balloons! Don't let them fly away!" and Mommy said, "Just sit down in your seat and hurry up because we have to get to Spanish class" and then the balloons flew right out the door and into the sky! I know that balloons can't come back once they fly away because that happened to me before. Mommy said a few words then that she says when bad things happen, but she says that I can't say those words. I said them anyway, and then she told me not to say them because they're not nice words. Sigh! At least we still had my string balloons. When we got home we looked and looked, but one of the string balloons had disappeared too! Now there was only one left! Mommy was holding it and she said, "Hey! Want me to make it into a sword?" and I said, "No!" and she said, "C'mon-let me just show you! It will be-POP!" she didn't say pop-that was the balloon because it popped! She kept telling me to be careful and then as soon as she got it she popped it! It's not fair and I don't like it and it makes me so, so sad. We used to have 1, 2, 3, 4 balloons and now we don't have any! I think I need to go lay down...

Princess Diary: Manipulation... what does that mean?

A few weeks ago, I moved into my very own bed in a room with my sister! We both used to sleep in the bed with Mommy and Daddy, but then Pea got her very own bed and so we moved everything all around and now we get to have slumber parties every night! At least, that's what I thought it was going to be like. I couldn't wait the first night! We went shopping and got new sheets for Pea's bed. I helped pick them out although I also saw some sheets that I wanted. Really cute pink ones with kitty cats. Mommy said maybe next time. (She says that a lot.) I really liked Pea's flower pillow though, so she was nice and traded with me so now she has my butterfly pillow. At first it was a lot of fun because I could giggle with Pea and plus I had all my friends in my bed with me! I had Diego, and Dora, and Swiper, and Boots, and my 3 doggies and my 2 ponies and my 5 hippos and then my other hippo who's kind of scary but I like him anyway and then Clifford and my 2 butterflies and my ladybug and my big sheep. There were probably some other friends too but those are the ones I remember. I liked feeling like a big girl in my own bed in my room, but then I woke up at night a couple of times and it was kind of scary. I could see in my closet and there were weird shadows and the room smelled different and I didn't know where my Mommy was. Even though I can go get her anytime I want, she usually puts me back in my own room and since I'm pretty sleepy there's not much I can do to stop her. I decided I needed to nip this new thing in the bud. So now, before I go to bed, I have been trying a few things out so that I get to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed again. First, I tried just going to bed in their bed. I thought it almost worked because we read stories in their bed, but then she moved me in to my bed to go to sleep. Next, I tried to ask her if I could sleep in her bed when Mommy wasn't really paying attention. This works a lot becuase I can ask her something and she will say yes and then when she realizes what I have asked her it's too late and if she goes back on her word she feels guilty so usually she gives in. She caught me everytime! I tried throwing fits too, but that just got me in bed with no stories. Since stories are my favorite, I didn't like that very much. Especially since we just got some new Berenstain Bear books and they are my really real favorite. My latest and greatest idea is pretty simple: be as sweet as possible. One time when I was asking for ice cream I told Mommy that she was my favorite and she thought that was the nicest thing I had ever said and I got to eat ice cream BEFORE dinner. So when she was putting me to bed the other night I gave her a bear hug and a special kiss and then I said, "Mommy, I really wish I could sleep in your bed because I just love you and miss you so much because you are my favorite." Then I looked at her with my best doe eyes that I learned about from cartoons. I could tell she almost gave in-she actually stopped tucking me in and said, "Well..." but then stupid ol' Pea had to mess things up by crying and breaking my spell so she got over it. Darn! I'm sure I will think of something.... maybe I can at least tell her that I refuse to go to sleep until I get those kitty cat sheets. Until I perfect my technique, I know that if I wait until Mommy and Daddy are really asleep, I can always sneak into their room and sneak into bed with them. Sometimes they don't even notice, and if they do they are sometimes too sleepy to care. Wish me luck!

Things I Never Thought I Would Have To Say: An Ongoing Entry

-Let's not bring those knives into the bathtub.
-Please don't use the dog as a napkin.
-Please take your toothbrush out of your butt.
-We don't stick our faces in other people's butts.
-You know what's really cool about eating carrots? They turn your poop orange.
-Please don't tell people what parts of Mommy's body look like naked.
-They won't let you in the store if you are completely naked.
-They will make us leave the store if you take all your clothes off.
-They won't let us pay for our food until you put your pants back on.

Pea Diary: The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease

            It's hard to get attention around here. I have a big sister, two doggies, two kitties and a Mommy and Daddy. With all those things around making noise, it's hard for the little person to get noticed. Luckily, I have discovered a way that always seems to work: screaming like a banshee. I'm not exactly sure what a banshee is, but when I hear Mommy talking about me that's the word she uses. Banshees must be really loud and I'll bet everyone pays attention to them. Mommy also said that the noise I make sounds like something from a movie called Dumb and Dumber-she says there's a part where they make "the most annoying sound in the world" and that my noise sounds like it! For not quite being two yet, it's pretty cool that I already sound like I could be in the movies. For a long time, I really didn't need to make much noise at all. Princess likes to think that she knows what I need, and most of the time I just go with it. After all, about 80% of the time she's right which are pretty good odds since I don't think she can hear what I am thinking. I used to think that maybe Mommy and Daddy could hear what I was thinking, but when I was really little they never got anything right so I don't think they can. I used to scream at them for hours and while I was screaming, "I need to burp and I can't!" they thought I was saying all kinds of things like, "I want milk" or "I'm tired" or "Take me for a drive in the car" or even "Set me on the washing machine in my bouncy seat during the spin cycle". They never quite got it, but sometimes it was interesting to see what they came up with. Anyway, I heard the doctor ask Mommy if I was saying any words yet, and I was happy to hear that I am saying a few, but evidently I need to work on it. The doctor told Mommy to try and encourage me to say the word of the thing that I want by saying the words when she gives it to me. This seems like it could be a lot of work. Why do I need to say anything when I can just scream whenever Mommy touches or gets remotely close to the thing that I may want? It seems to me that it would be a lot easier to just be able to make one noise that works for everything instead of hundreds of noises only work at certain times. Then again, sometimes it's frustrating when she can't get it right... especially in the car. I really have no idea why she won't just turn around and look at me and why I have to stay all buckled in that silly seat, but when she just starts handing me random things it sometimes takes her awhile to figure out what I was asking for. You'd think the fact that I am screaming at, reaching for and looking at the thing I want would be a tip off, but as I said she won't turn around and look at me in the car. What choice do I really have but to just scream louder? I suppose this word thing could be good though. After all, Princess talks all the time (and I do mean all the time) and it seems that she doesn't have to scream quite as much. My throat does get sore sometimes... maybe I will give this word thing a shot. After all, if it doens't work out, there's always the banshee.

Princess Diary: I Lost My Best Friend

            Today, we went to the bouncy place! I love the bouncy place so much because it's my favorite! It's hard, because my school where I go to dancing class is right next to the bouncy place, so sometimes when we are going to school I think we are going to the bouncy place but then we don't. I love my dancing class too, but not as much as the bouncy place because it is my favorite! So today, when Mommy stopped at the bouncy place instead of going to my school, I told her what a good job she did finding it. I couldn't wait to go inside! They give you cool bracelets with numbers on them and Pea gets a little sticker on the back of her shirt and we all match. I used to not like the bracelets because they would do them too tight, but now I tell them not to and so I like them. I couldn't wait to go play! I went to the one with the slide first because it's my favorite and guess what? I found my friend! He was bigger than me and he had plaid shorts, so you know he was pretty cool. We played a game where he would climb up the slide and go down and then I would follow him and then chase him over to the ladder again. He was pretty fast, but so am I! We played and played and we were having the best time until we went into the safari bouncy thing and then he found some of his other friends. We started to play with them, but then he pushed me away and told me he didn't want to play anymore! I put my hands on my hips and I told him, "That's not fair!" but he just ran away with his other friends. I went to Mommy and I told her about it. She said that sometimes other kids want to play somewhere else and while it may hurt my feelings, that he wasn't trying to be mean. I told her that he hurt my arm when he pushed and made me sad because he was my best friend and he just ran away from me. He was my best friend, and I didn't even know his name.

The Pink Unicorn

          Princess has been regressing when it comes to potty training lately. I say “regressing” but that’s really just a proper way of saying “choosing to poop in her pants on a daily basis”. She seems really comfortable with her actions and has not been interested in changing her patterns, so I turned to what every good parent eventually turns to in moments of despair: bribery. You may think I am being a bit dramatic when I say moments of despair, but let me tell you a little secret about poop in underwear. There is absolutely no good way to take them off. Seriously. Laying them down like they have a diaper on is a terrible idea unless you are up for cutting the sides of the underwear off, which is an incredibly tempting, yet incredibly expensive habit. The best way I have found is to have her stand, legs spread a bit apart yet not too far, and to slide them off that way. Let me tell you though, while it sounds simple, it is quite an art form. You have to pull the underwear down quickly so it won’t have time to slip out onto the floor, yet not too quickly. You want the legs spread far enough that they don’t get streaks as you remove the underwear, yet not too far so that you are stuck with stretched underwear and nowhere to go. Believe me; removing a foot when the underwear is stretched like that leaves you with a slingshot effect you don’t want to experience. I really feel that this is something that should be taught in college. All the student loans I am paying are in no way a reflection of any skills that are remotely helping me at this point in my life. I imagine it would not have been a popular class, but those of us who took it may have been able to avoid getting poop on the floor, pets, toys and siblings of our darling potty trainers, which to me seems worth it.

                When I told my Princess that she would get a special treat if she could keep her pants clean for a whole week, she immediately responded with, “Oooh! I want a pink unicorn!” Perfect. A pink unicorn seemed like it would be easy to find, and not as expensive as a trip to Disney World. Although, really, if she ever does stop pooping in her pants I really don’t think Disney World is out of the question. The problem trying to find anything specific in regards to kids is that what you are looking for automatically disappears. I kept a vigilant eye for weeks with no such luck finding a pink unicorn. Luckily, poopy pants McGee was still at it and I was ever perfecting my dirty underwear removing skills. Finally, when I had finally given up hope and decided not to look anymore, I found it. A beautiful white horse with pink hooves and a pink mane and tail. Not only pink, but pink with glitter. Not only that, but it was a pink, glittery horse with wings. I felt a surge in me akin to someone winning the Super Bowl or climbing Mount Everest. Not only had I found exactly what she had asked for, but I had found something better! One that could fly! One with wings! One that exceeded any dream that my daughter could possibly have had about unicorns!

                I was somehow able to buy it without her noticing, and kept it hidden for almost a week. Then, it happened. We had two whole days without an accident. Two whole days with clean underwear. It was amazing and unprecedented. I was seeing the gold at the end of the rainbow and I was getting excited. Darling daughter kept asking about her unicorn and when she would get it. While we have a chart showing her when she would, I thought it would be a good idea to just show her the prize. After all, Olympians know what a gold medal looks like and they still want it! I cleared off a spot on top of the fridge and told her that it would sit there until the end of the week. She was jumping up and down with excitement, and I was so proud I could burst. I brought the horse out with a flurry, leaping on the chair to set it on its throne in all its pink glittery glory. I stood back, waiting for the squeals, the calls of glee, the promises to never soil her underwear again if only she could touch it! I waited a long time.

“Mom?”

“Yeah baby-don’t you like it?”

“It’s not a unicorn.”

“What do you mean? It’s pink and glittery and did you see the wings? It’s-“

“Mom it doesn’t have a horn on its head.”

“What do you mean it…”

                There was no horn on that horse’s head. How could there not be a horn? How in the hell did I manage to buy a pink, glittery, winged unicorn with NO HORN?

“Well, I mean it’s still-“ I was searching for any word to make this thing still seem like a prize to her. Anything at all. My mind was blank. Suddenly the glitter didn’t shine as bright and I swear the horse’s wings drooped a little.

“It’s just a silly pink horsey now.” She trotted off, totally uninterested in the prize I had been so proud to give her. I stood there, really not sure how to proceed, and thinking of all the different ways I could somehow attach a horn to this now pitiful creature. Was duct tape out of the question? I was still staring at if a few minutes later when my lovely daughter, precious gem of all jewels, apple of my eye, waddled back in to the kitchen.

“Mom?”

“Yeah baby?”

“I pooped in my pants.”

Of course you did.