Pea Diary: Mommy the Horse

           One of the best things about having a Mommy is that they react to whatever you are doing. I can make her copy me by making silly faces, and boy does she look silly! I can make her laugh by blowing on her belly or tickling her, and I can make her smile by giving her kisses. The best thing though, is making her jump. She's really funny when she does that, and all it takes is for me to squeeze her skin really hard with my fingers, or to bite her! This is really fun when I'm nursing, although I have to be careful not to do it too much or she won't let me nurse anymore. The absolute best was in the grocery store today. I was riding on her back in the carrier, which is nice when I am tired but lately I kind of hate it because I want to be with Princess picking out things I want off the shelf. It's so much fun to go shopping! And so easy! All you do is grab stuff off the shelf and then put it in the cart, and then they put it into bags for you! You even get to slide this cool card and push fun buttons! I say we do it every day. Anyway, I was on her back and I was pretty bored when it suddenly occured to me that there was a whole lot of skin, right in front of me just waiting to be bit. So I tried just a nibble on her shirt, and she jumped a little. She told me no, but I could tell she was just playing back. So I bit a little more. She jumped a little higher and told me no again. Boy, what a fun game! This time, I got a good mouthful and bit down hard. She actually left the ground and started jogging up and down the aisles! It was better than the horsey rides we do at home! People even stopped to watch because they were so jealous of all the fun I was having! The best part was that since I was strapped in, there was no danger of me falling, and she couldn't reach me to make me stop! I decided that maybe the game was over when she started moving back and forth so that I couldn't get a good grip on her back. That part made me a little dizzy and wasn't quite as fun. But boy, what a fun trip to the grocery store! I can't wait to do it again!

The Rules of Fight Club

           For parents, there really is nothing sweeter than sleeping children. Whether it's nap time or nighttime, when our little darlings are off to dreamland we all breathe a sigh of relief. As much as we all love our children, we can love them so much more after having a little break. Because of this, most parents believe very strongly in the power of the jinx. Going much further than the "jinx-you owe me a Coke!" of our middle school days, the jinx of the sleeping child holds great power. The few times my husband has come close to death by my hands have been the times when he uttered the most dangerous of words, "Wow! The girls have been sleeping a long time!" Usually he can't even finish this sentence before we hear a wail cutting through the quiet. I am so scared of this jinx, that I'm even attempting to write this while the girls are still awake. There have been times when I have even just thought about the girls sleeping well and they awoke. I have a friend who has solved this problem by following the rules from the book/movie fight club. The first rule of Fight Club: You do not talk about Fight Club. To get around the fact that you often do need to point out to a questioning spouse or friend where your child is, you simply substitute any dangerous words with the words, "fight club". Our conversations go like this:
"Hey S-what are you guys up to?"
"Well, C is finally fight club and D isn't sleeping but he's fight club. What about you?"
"Pea is fight club and Princess is helping me cook dinner."
"How is Princess doing with potty training?"
"Fight club."
 This conversation means that C is sleeping, D is being quiet in his room, and that Princess has actually had clean pants for the day. As you can see, the fight club tricks extends to much more than just sleeping. Any time your child may be doing something quietly and on their own, it's wise not to temp any disturbance. Of course, this concept works great if the two people talking actually get it. No matter how many times I have explained, my poor husband always gets confused, so our conversations generally go like this:
"Where are the girls?"
"Fight Club."
"Fight club? What?" (At this point I'm sure he's actually imagining a small boxing ring with babies duking it out)
"As in the first rule of fight club..."
"Oh right. They're sleeping. Awesome!"
"waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" from the monitor... and you get the point.
           Maybe your children don't fall to the power of the sleeping jinx, but I haven't met one yet that can resist the phone jinx. No matter how quiet, busy or sleepy your children are, as soon as you pick up the phone, all hell breaks loose. I actually tested this theory once when Pea was about six months old. She was in her bouncy seat, perfectly content, and as soon as I would put the phone to my ear, she would cry. I would put it down, she would stop. I whipped it up and down really fast a few times and she still followed through with crying and stopping. I may, in fact, have a genius on my hands, but since I'm her Mom and a little biased it's hard to tell. My husband likes me to handle any phone calls we may need to make, such as calls to the insurance company or to make doctor appointments for him. The fact that he thinks these calls will be really easy for me to do makes me realize that I really haven't made him spend enough time with the girls while also trying to get stuff done. While the girls may be quietly playing at the beginning, by the end the person on the other end of line is confused as to whether I am actually at a zoo, possibly even being assaulted by a lion, and whether they do in fact need to call 911. This is dangerous for a lot of reasons, most notably because you end up paying much more on insurance than you meant to, you make appointments for wrongs days, or the police even show up at your door.
             After such a success of the first rule of Fight Club, I wondered if the other rules would be just as good. I don't consider myself a glutton for punishment, and I wouldn't even be on the homeschooling path or have had a second child if I hated being alone with them, but I do admit that each day feels much like a preparation for an epic battle. Maybe that's one of the reasons we love bedtime so much-it's a sign of victory that we have indeed survived the day. I would actually keep score, but I am terrified that I am losing.
            Rule #2: You DO NOT talk about Fight Club. Exactly. Someone tell my husband. You know, I wonder if this would actually be a great way to scare away salesmen. I know they have a job to do, but they seem to always ring the doorbell as soon as I am getting the girls to sleep for nap or even bedtime. This does not bode well for them, especially the ones who ring the doorbell more than once. If you have ever encountered a sleep deprived stay at home mom who has just had their one chance for rest snatched away from them, you understand how absolutely terrifying it can be. It scares me, and I'm the one doing it. I have scared away many a salesman in my day, but perhaps those stories are for another time. I have had friends who put up signs like, "Shhh! Baby sleeping!" or "Please don't ring the doorbell" and even, "If you are trying to sell me something leave now while you still have all your body parts" but all of them have had someone ring that stupid doorbell. If I put up a sign that just said, "Fight Club: Follow the F*cking Rules" maybe they actually would.... or at least be too confused to ring the bell.
               Rule #3: If someone says "stop", goes limp, or taps out, the fight is over. I think this is a good general rule for any household to follow. This is pretty much what I tell Princess every day when she and Pea are playing. If she asks to stop, goes limp, or comes to me to get out of the game, it's probably something that shouldn't continue. I wonder if I would get strange looks if this rule was posted on their bedroom wall?
               Rule #4: Only two guys to a fight. While I think this would apply much more if I had more than two kids, it's actually a good thing for me to remember. The girls fighting is enough noise and if I start yelling back then there's just way too much going on. Princess has finally gotten to the age where she has realized that I am a hypocrite. She will be yelling at myself or Pea, and I will yell back, "STOP YELLING! IT'S NOT NICE TO YELL!" She will then ask me why I get to yell and I respond with the words that I never thought I would actually say, "BECAUSE I'M THE MOM!" I hate to tell you this new parents, but you will in fact say all the things that you swore you never would say, and you are in fact turning into your parents as we speak. Really. It's happening.
                Rule #5: One fight at a time. Again, a good one. Everyone knows that feeling of tension when you are fighting with someone else in the house. If you limit yourself to just one child or spouse to fight with at once, that will definitely help on the tension and ensure that you have at least one person to talk to throughout the day who isn't planning your demise.
               Rule #6: No shirt, no shoes. Psht. My children live by this rule anyway. If they could go around without clothes or shoes on all the time they would, and honestly I think they are much happier for it. Of course, this gets a little tricky when you are out in public and you are struggling to keep the nudists dressed just to get throught the grocery store, but if you have a newer baby and they are fussing, try getting them naked. I swear, it works a remarkable amount of the time.
               Rule #7: Fights will go on as long as they have to. I know that most of you with little ones can't imagine that you will ever fight with them, but let's just call it the battle of wills. There will be times when you will have to try and get them to do things that they don't want to do and if you give in, even once, they will pounce upon your weakness and never let you forget it. I have given in many a time, and I can show you the footprints all over my back to prove it. The most recent battle Princess and I are having is getting her to sleep in her own room. Sometimes it takes an hour to convince her to lay in her own bed and then to actually fall asleep (unless her Daddy is putting her to bed and it takes five minutes), but I have to stay strong. The mere fact that I get to fall asleep without a foot in my face makes it well worth it.
                 Rule #8: If this is your first night at fight club, you HAVE to fight. Ok well this one may just be a little out there. I'm really not condoning you fighting with a newborn, although anyone will tell you that your first night as a new parent usually is quite the battle whether you want it to be or not. Our first night with Princess was spent in the hospital which was awful to begin with, especially since I had had an uneventful natrual birth. My poor husband was given a chair to sleep in and I had to beg the nurse for a sheet so that he wouldn't freeze to death by the a/c. Princess woke up every couple of hours to nurse, I was having trouble getting that to work and getting her to eat well, and the nurses kept coming in to take my temperature, push on my stomach and generally take away the five minutes of sleep I was getting. They also kept trying to sneak Princess back into her bassinet and out of my arms thinking I was asleep, so I had to keep an ever vigilant eye. Hmmm.... so ok I guess that rule does work. Fight dear parents, and keep up that good fight. You may lose that first night like I did, but I promise it gets better.
                  We find inspiration in strange places as parents, and maybe we apply everything we see and hear to our world because being a parent takes over your world so completely. Hopefully being involved in a family fight club hasn't revealed that you actually have a split personality and are blowing up buildings and killing people, but in general I think that's a pretty rare thing.
                    Shhhh..... wait, do you hear that? The sound of beautiful, wonderful quiet? It's...fight club.

Princess Diary: Never, Ever Again!

              I will never, ever, ever, ever lay down in my very own bed again!! I want to sleep in Mommy's bed and she says that I have to sleep in my bed and I am saying that I will never do it ever again!! I told her that I am very sleepy and I want to lay down with her and she said that since I am getting bigger it's time for me to lay in my own bed. Well, I have decided that I am NOT going to get bigger! I am going to get smaller and smaller so I can lay in Mommy's bed!! My bed is not comfy like Mommy's bed and besides I always have bad dreams in my bed and I know I will have bad dreams tonight so I am never going to lay down in it again! Hmph! Mommy asked if I wanted to switch sheets with Pea so that I can have the flower ones. That would be nice... but I still don't ever want to lay in it! Maybe it's ok to read stories in my bed. And maybe if Mommy lays with me to read stories and I have flower sheets and I just... lay... down... yaaawwwnnnn. Ok maybe I'm too sleepy and I can lay in my bed tonight. BUT I AM NOT GOING TO LIKE IT!

Mature Content

        When I was first pregnant, I couldn't wait to do things like watch Sesame Street and listen to Tom Chapin (the artist I listened to as a kid) with my little one. Even when she was a baby, I would play kids music every now and then in the car, or put on PBS in the mornings. I was so sensitive to what I watched around her or listened to, because I wasn't sure how much she was hearing. I thought it was so cute when she actually started to get excited about certain music or shows, and I couldn't wait to see her pleased face when I turned on something she liked. That went out the window as soon as I met Dora the Explorer. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Dora. Princess has picked up quite a bit of spanish from the show, and it's great as far as problem solving goes, but really... does she have to shout? I really don't think everything is quite as exciting as she makes it out to be. Dora isn't the only problem. It turns out that kids like repitition. As in, Princess finds one song she likes and wants to listen to it over and over and over and over and over and over again in the car. I have a feeling that this is a major contribution to minivan road rage. I have heard "hickory dickory dock" so many times that when I hear bells my eye starts to twitch. We bought a cd written by Sandra Boynton who is an awesome children's author and there were some great names on it. Blues Traveler, The Bacon Brothers, even Kate Winslet and Weird Al have a duet. My husband and I were excited because we actually liked the music! We finally had a cd that was both appropriate for the kids and something we wanted to listen to! That lasted about a week, when  we couldn't get past the first song because it was her favorite and the only thing she would listen to. My husband has sort of solved this problem for himself by declaring that when he's driving, we play Daddy music. Which, while I will say Daddy music is the most eclectic mix ever with music from Johnny Cash to Earth Crisis, has recently been nothing but Ke$ha. I hadn't heard of her when Daddy dearest first bought the cd, but as soon as I saw that she had a dollar sign in her name I knew it had to be good. There's some real classics on there, with lyrics such as, "Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?" to spelling out the word "dinosaur" in reference to an old guy hitting on her. Which, actually, has taught Princess to spell the words "dinosaur" and "old man", so I guess I shouldn't be complaining. The thing is that her music is actually kind of catchy, and both the girls had fun dancing to it so we breathed a sigh of relief, escaped terrible recordings of children singing and had dance parties in the car. This works fine until your lovely little ones start actually repeating what they hear in the music. When she started singing, "Stephen, why won't you call me?" while playing with her dolls one day, I knew there was a problem. It's kind of surreal when you realize that these little creatures that have been living with you for a few years are actually people and will actually start to talk, not only to you, but to anyone they run into. This makes you really start to think about what they are picking up on around the house. At least, it should. I have a bad habit of watching tv while I fold laundry. It's really the only way I can make myself fold laundry without wanting to jump in front of a bus, and usually it's something that I save until the girls go to bed so that I can actually watch my show in peace. Every now and then, I will try to do this chore and watch something while they play, usually in the same room. Hulu, the greatest thing ever invented, makes it really easy for me to keep up on shows that I normally can't stay awake for like Saturday Night Live. Kind of sad that I can't stay awake to watch a show that I used to want to work for, but them's the breaks with kids right? Anyway, recently Justin Timberlake hosted and he and Andy Samberg did one of their songs. Seriously hilarious. I admit a played it a few times, which turns out was a pretty big mistake. As any parent knows, the grocery store is where we usually find out what our children are learning from us. Strangers love to approach children in grocery stores and ask them questions. I am always completely terrified about what might come out of Princess' mouth. I have no idea what I will do when Pea starts to talk, because right now I can hold one hand over someone's mouth and still have one hand to push the cart. This probably comes from the time that Princess saw a really fit woman in a bathing suit on a magazine cover and began to explain loudly how her body differed from mine when I'm naked. I'm sure if I had personal trainers and people I paid to shave my legs and do my hair or maybe just had 5 minutes alone in the bathroom I would look like that too. Anyway, we were checking out at the grocery store, and I heard Princess start to hum a famliar tune. I couldn't place what it was exactly, and was sort of distracted, until I heard her small voice saying, "It's ok... three ways. It's not gaaaaaayyyyyyy in a three ways!" Now, when small children talk, you can't always understand what they are saying. I was counting on this happening in this moment, but judging from the fact that the cashiers jaw hit the counter and the entire store stopped moving, I think she was choosing that moment to speak perfectly clear.
 "I...uh-I mean...hey babe-let's not sing too loud, ok?" Meanwhile Mrs. Marlboro '79 ringing up my stuff is still not moving.
"It's just-" I'm trying to explain! Where are words that can explain this?
"It's from Saturday Night Live and-"
She finally moves. "You let her stay up and watch Saturday Night Live?"
"YES!" I want to shout. "I put red bull in her sippy cup and make her stay up on Saturday Nights! She's also my wingman when I go out bar hopping!"
Instead I just stammer an apology, pay for my groceries, and leave the store red faced. Meanwhile, Princess has not stopped singing or dancing the entire time. And really, while we are on the subject of children repeating what they see, Moms should take some proper dance lessons before they have kids. You really don't want you kids thinking that dancing like Ally McBeal is actually good like my kids do.
         I have since had a talk with Princess about when it's appropriate to talk about things. But really, since I definitely wasn't going to explain what a three way is, it wasn't a very meaningful conversation. Instead, I went through my cd's in the car and sadly put away Ke$ha, Avenue Q, and a few other gems for embarrassment. Looks like I am back to living in hell, driving around listening to Hickory Dickory Dock on repeat.

Pea Diary: The Art of the Tantrum

I'm really not sure why my tantrums don't work on Mommy. I'm pretty sure I am doing everything right, but she doesn't really seem to care! Maybe I should think through and see if there's anything I can be doing better. First, when she says I can't have something, I start screaming. If that doesn't work, I throw myself at her feet. You have to do that real careful, because you could hurt yourself if you don't do it just right. If I want to go on my back, I very carefully sit down, and then very carefully roll onto my back and gently set my head on the ground. Then I can scream and kick my feet and shake my arms around! The only problem is that sometimes it takes me awhile to lay down so carefully and I forget why I was mad so then I just lay there for a few minutes until I find something else to do. Sometimes my Mommy starts clapping when I lay down so carefully and I get really excited that I am doing something right! Although.... wait. When she does that I forget why I was mad! Is she trying to trick me?? No, I don't think so. Mommies don't do that. Princess says they do, but I don't believe her because my Mommy is the best and she loves me and would never trick me. The other way to fall down is what I've heard Mommy call "the drama queen". I'm not sure what that means but Princess is always pretending to be a queen and Mommy thinks it's cute so I think those are good words. With this one I very slowly fall to my knees (again, it's important not to hurt yourself here) and then gently lower my forehead to the ground. Then I let out a really, really pituful cry and that one always makes Mommy say, "Awww!" and come rushing to get me. Mommy thinks it's really cute when I do this! Which, I guess, is a problem because then I'm proud of myself for being cute and I forget why I was mad. Hmmmm.... I really don't think I am doing this right!

Princess Diary: A Sad Day for Balloons

My mommy has made me very, very sad today. I only usually like going to the tunnel store to buy food because it has a playground and it's where my daddy works, but the best thing about the other store is that they have balloons! Today they didn't have the usual balloons and I was so, so sad until I saw that they had extra special long string balloons! Those are the best because you can twist them into all kinds of shapes like puzzles! I got one and then Pea got one and we were having so much fun! Mommy told me I had to be very careful when I was twisting them so that they didn't pop, so I was extra careful. We went to another store and got a present for my friend because she's sick and we also got her and her sister a balloon to make them feel better. Those are the really good ones and I picked out a special Elmo one and one with a flower that I just knew would make them feel better. When we were getting into the van, I said, "Mommy! Hold onto the balloons! Don't let them fly away!" and Mommy said, "Just sit down in your seat and hurry up because we have to get to Spanish class" and then the balloons flew right out the door and into the sky! I know that balloons can't come back once they fly away because that happened to me before. Mommy said a few words then that she says when bad things happen, but she says that I can't say those words. I said them anyway, and then she told me not to say them because they're not nice words. Sigh! At least we still had my string balloons. When we got home we looked and looked, but one of the string balloons had disappeared too! Now there was only one left! Mommy was holding it and she said, "Hey! Want me to make it into a sword?" and I said, "No!" and she said, "C'mon-let me just show you! It will be-POP!" she didn't say pop-that was the balloon because it popped! She kept telling me to be careful and then as soon as she got it she popped it! It's not fair and I don't like it and it makes me so, so sad. We used to have 1, 2, 3, 4 balloons and now we don't have any! I think I need to go lay down...

Princess Diary: Manipulation... what does that mean?

A few weeks ago, I moved into my very own bed in a room with my sister! We both used to sleep in the bed with Mommy and Daddy, but then Pea got her very own bed and so we moved everything all around and now we get to have slumber parties every night! At least, that's what I thought it was going to be like. I couldn't wait the first night! We went shopping and got new sheets for Pea's bed. I helped pick them out although I also saw some sheets that I wanted. Really cute pink ones with kitty cats. Mommy said maybe next time. (She says that a lot.) I really liked Pea's flower pillow though, so she was nice and traded with me so now she has my butterfly pillow. At first it was a lot of fun because I could giggle with Pea and plus I had all my friends in my bed with me! I had Diego, and Dora, and Swiper, and Boots, and my 3 doggies and my 2 ponies and my 5 hippos and then my other hippo who's kind of scary but I like him anyway and then Clifford and my 2 butterflies and my ladybug and my big sheep. There were probably some other friends too but those are the ones I remember. I liked feeling like a big girl in my own bed in my room, but then I woke up at night a couple of times and it was kind of scary. I could see in my closet and there were weird shadows and the room smelled different and I didn't know where my Mommy was. Even though I can go get her anytime I want, she usually puts me back in my own room and since I'm pretty sleepy there's not much I can do to stop her. I decided I needed to nip this new thing in the bud. So now, before I go to bed, I have been trying a few things out so that I get to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed again. First, I tried just going to bed in their bed. I thought it almost worked because we read stories in their bed, but then she moved me in to my bed to go to sleep. Next, I tried to ask her if I could sleep in her bed when Mommy wasn't really paying attention. This works a lot becuase I can ask her something and she will say yes and then when she realizes what I have asked her it's too late and if she goes back on her word she feels guilty so usually she gives in. She caught me everytime! I tried throwing fits too, but that just got me in bed with no stories. Since stories are my favorite, I didn't like that very much. Especially since we just got some new Berenstain Bear books and they are my really real favorite. My latest and greatest idea is pretty simple: be as sweet as possible. One time when I was asking for ice cream I told Mommy that she was my favorite and she thought that was the nicest thing I had ever said and I got to eat ice cream BEFORE dinner. So when she was putting me to bed the other night I gave her a bear hug and a special kiss and then I said, "Mommy, I really wish I could sleep in your bed because I just love you and miss you so much because you are my favorite." Then I looked at her with my best doe eyes that I learned about from cartoons. I could tell she almost gave in-she actually stopped tucking me in and said, "Well..." but then stupid ol' Pea had to mess things up by crying and breaking my spell so she got over it. Darn! I'm sure I will think of something.... maybe I can at least tell her that I refuse to go to sleep until I get those kitty cat sheets. Until I perfect my technique, I know that if I wait until Mommy and Daddy are really asleep, I can always sneak into their room and sneak into bed with them. Sometimes they don't even notice, and if they do they are sometimes too sleepy to care. Wish me luck!

Things I Never Thought I Would Have To Say: An Ongoing Entry

-Let's not bring those knives into the bathtub.
-Please don't use the dog as a napkin.
-Please take your toothbrush out of your butt.
-We don't stick our faces in other people's butts.
-You know what's really cool about eating carrots? They turn your poop orange.
-Please don't tell people what parts of Mommy's body look like naked.
-They won't let you in the store if you are completely naked.
-They will make us leave the store if you take all your clothes off.
-They won't let us pay for our food until you put your pants back on.

Pea Diary: The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease

            It's hard to get attention around here. I have a big sister, two doggies, two kitties and a Mommy and Daddy. With all those things around making noise, it's hard for the little person to get noticed. Luckily, I have discovered a way that always seems to work: screaming like a banshee. I'm not exactly sure what a banshee is, but when I hear Mommy talking about me that's the word she uses. Banshees must be really loud and I'll bet everyone pays attention to them. Mommy also said that the noise I make sounds like something from a movie called Dumb and Dumber-she says there's a part where they make "the most annoying sound in the world" and that my noise sounds like it! For not quite being two yet, it's pretty cool that I already sound like I could be in the movies. For a long time, I really didn't need to make much noise at all. Princess likes to think that she knows what I need, and most of the time I just go with it. After all, about 80% of the time she's right which are pretty good odds since I don't think she can hear what I am thinking. I used to think that maybe Mommy and Daddy could hear what I was thinking, but when I was really little they never got anything right so I don't think they can. I used to scream at them for hours and while I was screaming, "I need to burp and I can't!" they thought I was saying all kinds of things like, "I want milk" or "I'm tired" or "Take me for a drive in the car" or even "Set me on the washing machine in my bouncy seat during the spin cycle". They never quite got it, but sometimes it was interesting to see what they came up with. Anyway, I heard the doctor ask Mommy if I was saying any words yet, and I was happy to hear that I am saying a few, but evidently I need to work on it. The doctor told Mommy to try and encourage me to say the word of the thing that I want by saying the words when she gives it to me. This seems like it could be a lot of work. Why do I need to say anything when I can just scream whenever Mommy touches or gets remotely close to the thing that I may want? It seems to me that it would be a lot easier to just be able to make one noise that works for everything instead of hundreds of noises only work at certain times. Then again, sometimes it's frustrating when she can't get it right... especially in the car. I really have no idea why she won't just turn around and look at me and why I have to stay all buckled in that silly seat, but when she just starts handing me random things it sometimes takes her awhile to figure out what I was asking for. You'd think the fact that I am screaming at, reaching for and looking at the thing I want would be a tip off, but as I said she won't turn around and look at me in the car. What choice do I really have but to just scream louder? I suppose this word thing could be good though. After all, Princess talks all the time (and I do mean all the time) and it seems that she doesn't have to scream quite as much. My throat does get sore sometimes... maybe I will give this word thing a shot. After all, if it doens't work out, there's always the banshee.

Princess Diary: I Lost My Best Friend

            Today, we went to the bouncy place! I love the bouncy place so much because it's my favorite! It's hard, because my school where I go to dancing class is right next to the bouncy place, so sometimes when we are going to school I think we are going to the bouncy place but then we don't. I love my dancing class too, but not as much as the bouncy place because it is my favorite! So today, when Mommy stopped at the bouncy place instead of going to my school, I told her what a good job she did finding it. I couldn't wait to go inside! They give you cool bracelets with numbers on them and Pea gets a little sticker on the back of her shirt and we all match. I used to not like the bracelets because they would do them too tight, but now I tell them not to and so I like them. I couldn't wait to go play! I went to the one with the slide first because it's my favorite and guess what? I found my friend! He was bigger than me and he had plaid shorts, so you know he was pretty cool. We played a game where he would climb up the slide and go down and then I would follow him and then chase him over to the ladder again. He was pretty fast, but so am I! We played and played and we were having the best time until we went into the safari bouncy thing and then he found some of his other friends. We started to play with them, but then he pushed me away and told me he didn't want to play anymore! I put my hands on my hips and I told him, "That's not fair!" but he just ran away with his other friends. I went to Mommy and I told her about it. She said that sometimes other kids want to play somewhere else and while it may hurt my feelings, that he wasn't trying to be mean. I told her that he hurt my arm when he pushed and made me sad because he was my best friend and he just ran away from me. He was my best friend, and I didn't even know his name.

The Pink Unicorn

          Princess has been regressing when it comes to potty training lately. I say “regressing” but that’s really just a proper way of saying “choosing to poop in her pants on a daily basis”. She seems really comfortable with her actions and has not been interested in changing her patterns, so I turned to what every good parent eventually turns to in moments of despair: bribery. You may think I am being a bit dramatic when I say moments of despair, but let me tell you a little secret about poop in underwear. There is absolutely no good way to take them off. Seriously. Laying them down like they have a diaper on is a terrible idea unless you are up for cutting the sides of the underwear off, which is an incredibly tempting, yet incredibly expensive habit. The best way I have found is to have her stand, legs spread a bit apart yet not too far, and to slide them off that way. Let me tell you though, while it sounds simple, it is quite an art form. You have to pull the underwear down quickly so it won’t have time to slip out onto the floor, yet not too quickly. You want the legs spread far enough that they don’t get streaks as you remove the underwear, yet not too far so that you are stuck with stretched underwear and nowhere to go. Believe me; removing a foot when the underwear is stretched like that leaves you with a slingshot effect you don’t want to experience. I really feel that this is something that should be taught in college. All the student loans I am paying are in no way a reflection of any skills that are remotely helping me at this point in my life. I imagine it would not have been a popular class, but those of us who took it may have been able to avoid getting poop on the floor, pets, toys and siblings of our darling potty trainers, which to me seems worth it.

                When I told my Princess that she would get a special treat if she could keep her pants clean for a whole week, she immediately responded with, “Oooh! I want a pink unicorn!” Perfect. A pink unicorn seemed like it would be easy to find, and not as expensive as a trip to Disney World. Although, really, if she ever does stop pooping in her pants I really don’t think Disney World is out of the question. The problem trying to find anything specific in regards to kids is that what you are looking for automatically disappears. I kept a vigilant eye for weeks with no such luck finding a pink unicorn. Luckily, poopy pants McGee was still at it and I was ever perfecting my dirty underwear removing skills. Finally, when I had finally given up hope and decided not to look anymore, I found it. A beautiful white horse with pink hooves and a pink mane and tail. Not only pink, but pink with glitter. Not only that, but it was a pink, glittery horse with wings. I felt a surge in me akin to someone winning the Super Bowl or climbing Mount Everest. Not only had I found exactly what she had asked for, but I had found something better! One that could fly! One with wings! One that exceeded any dream that my daughter could possibly have had about unicorns!

                I was somehow able to buy it without her noticing, and kept it hidden for almost a week. Then, it happened. We had two whole days without an accident. Two whole days with clean underwear. It was amazing and unprecedented. I was seeing the gold at the end of the rainbow and I was getting excited. Darling daughter kept asking about her unicorn and when she would get it. While we have a chart showing her when she would, I thought it would be a good idea to just show her the prize. After all, Olympians know what a gold medal looks like and they still want it! I cleared off a spot on top of the fridge and told her that it would sit there until the end of the week. She was jumping up and down with excitement, and I was so proud I could burst. I brought the horse out with a flurry, leaping on the chair to set it on its throne in all its pink glittery glory. I stood back, waiting for the squeals, the calls of glee, the promises to never soil her underwear again if only she could touch it! I waited a long time.

“Mom?”

“Yeah baby-don’t you like it?”

“It’s not a unicorn.”

“What do you mean? It’s pink and glittery and did you see the wings? It’s-“

“Mom it doesn’t have a horn on its head.”

“What do you mean it…”

                There was no horn on that horse’s head. How could there not be a horn? How in the hell did I manage to buy a pink, glittery, winged unicorn with NO HORN?

“Well, I mean it’s still-“ I was searching for any word to make this thing still seem like a prize to her. Anything at all. My mind was blank. Suddenly the glitter didn’t shine as bright and I swear the horse’s wings drooped a little.

“It’s just a silly pink horsey now.” She trotted off, totally uninterested in the prize I had been so proud to give her. I stood there, really not sure how to proceed, and thinking of all the different ways I could somehow attach a horn to this now pitiful creature. Was duct tape out of the question? I was still staring at if a few minutes later when my lovely daughter, precious gem of all jewels, apple of my eye, waddled back in to the kitchen.

“Mom?”

“Yeah baby?”

“I pooped in my pants.”

Of course you did.