Princess Diary: Pajama Party!

Guess what? I get to have a pajama party at my Grammy's house tonight! Do you know why we call it a pajama party? Because we get in our pajamas and we eat lots of fun food and we watch movies together! Grammy even has a pajama party room where I get to sleep but last time I fell asleep watching a movie on the couch and she took me to the bed and in the morning I looked over and Grammy sleeps with a mask on her eyes! I think that's very smart because I put my bunny rabbit over my head so the light wouldn't come in. But guess what? Grammy got me my own mask this time so I don't need to use my bunny rabbit! We are going to eat popcorn and ice cream in ice cream cones, watch Underdog (in song: Unnnnddeerrrdooooogggg!) play games and guess what? Grammy even got a new tent for the playroom!! I asked if I could sleep in there but then I didn't want to because then I wouldn't be able to sleep in the special pajama party room! Mommy and Daddy and Pea came to drop me off and I told Pea all day that I got to sleep at Grammy's house and she didn't get to but Mommy said it was mean to say that because she might be jealous so I told her I was going to disappear for the night instead. We had pizza and I kept waiting and waiting for Mommy and Daddy to leave but then Mommy played Scrabble with Grampy like THEY ALWAYS DO and it ALWAYS TAKES FOREVER but finally I said, "I want you guys to leave now!" and so they did. Finally. Now I can show Grammy what I packed in my suitcase! A flamingo, a dinosaur that walks and roars, my camera, my hair dryer and hair brush, my toothbrush and toothpaste, my special nightgown, my ladybug nightlight, one of Mommy's dresses and my Dora doll. Wait, who packed these clothes in here?? Silly Mommy. She always puts things in my suitcase! I can't wait because this is going to be so much fun!!

"Step Into My Shoes for a Day" Program

No matter how supportive your spouse, family and friends are, stay at home caretakers are always going to come across someone who doesn't understand what it is we do all day. More importantly, how we could have a job that allows us to stay at home, but doesn't allow us to actually get much done. Beyond house chores and cooking, some of the hardest things to accomplish are errands like running by the insurance office to revise a plan or to make a simple phone call to set up a doctor's appointment. I could never understand the difficulty of these tasks until having to try them with two howler monkeys in tow, so to help those people in your life get a peek into your day, I have devised a program to help put them in your shoes. This will require some help from their co-workers/boss, but I'm sure they can be bribed to play along once you bring in those homemade truffles you had time to bang out this morning. This program will also need to be conformed to the work environment that this person is in, as some of these tasks could be hard to have someone help with in certain settings. Feel free to use your imagination and creativity to add to this list!

"Step Into My Shoes for a Day" Program: Devised for those random strangers that feel compelled to comment on how easy your life is.

Requirements for the subject: Not only must the subject try to go about their day normally and to get as much work done as possible, but they must also do so while trying to keep tabs on a certain co-worker all day. I talked about the phenomenon of "party radar" in an earlier post, and this should come into play here. They must keep mental tabs on this person all day and make sure they know where they are. For an added bonus, have this person update the subject whenever doing ANYTHING, the more boring and pointless the better, and then have them disappear and go do something dangerous. If the subject can keep the co-worker from falling off the building or putting a fork in a socket, it will be successful.

Tip: Start off their day easy. After all, you don't want to scare them off right away. What we are going for is a gradual frustration and irritability that may lead to a minor breakdown mid-afternoon. Go too hard too fast and they will just think you're making this stuff up.

-If the subject decides to stop anywhere for anything during the day, they will be required to unstrap a couple of dolls or bags of flour from car seats and bring them to do the errands with them. Bonus points if you can figure out how to make the dolls or bags of flour make noise.

-Whenever the subject tries to eat something, have a co-worker come in and take some. Just have them walk by, grab some if not all of the food, and walk away eating it. Mashing the food with dirty hands, taking a bite and then spitting it out onto the food, or simply sneezing/slobbering/shoving their face in the food are acceptable as well.

-Have co-workers randomly come into the subject's workspace and begin yelling. Maybe set up a scene in which they come in, grab something from the subject's workspace or office, and begin fighting over it. More points if they break the object.

-Have a co-worker walk up to the subject and hand them something gross. You can really let your imagination run wild on this one. No explanation is needed, just a simple "Here ya go" and then something like chewed gum, half eaten food, boogers, poop, bugs, or something similar will end up in their hand.

-Have a co-worker use the subject as a napkin.

-Have a co-worker walk around the subject's workspace and make it a complete mess. There should be no concern from the co-worker, just walking around and tipping things over will suffice.

-Every time the subject has to use the restroom, have one if not several co-workers accompany them and stare at them while they are trying to go pee. Another scenario would  be to have the co-worker they are keeping tabs on do something dangerous as soon as the subject beings to use the restroom. As soon as the zipper or pants go down, they can start screaming bloody murder. This may be more effective if the subject can't see WHY they are screaming, because this will allow the panic to set in quicker. If they can see that the co-worker is simply being whacked over the head with a plastic bat by another co-worker, they may continue their business hoping it will work itself out.

-Every time the subject picks up a phone to call someone, let them get to the point that the other person has picked up on the call and then really get creative. You can have co-workers break into a fight in their workspace, have someone come in and start screaming, have someone come in and break something, set off the fire alarm, really anything at all to break their concentration and convince the person on the other end of the line that they are actually calling from prison.

-Whenever the co-worker that the subject is keeping tabs on uses the restroom, have them scream for the subject to come wipe them. Bonus points if this is during a phone call or important meeting.

- Have the subject provide lunch for several co-workers. The co-workers should not be satisfied with the lunch and should either refuse to eat it or have the subject jump up and down to alter the lunch with condiments or heating instructions so much that they will not get a chance to eat their own lunch. If given a half hour lunch break, you're really just shooting to only let them get about 5 minutes of eating time in. You should also have the co-workers eat some of the subject's lunch.

-Whenever the subject may ask another co-worker to do something, have them flat out refuse or to scream and throw a tantrum. This could go something like:
Subject: "Hey Bill, could you make some copies for me?"
Bill: "No! I don't want to! No no no no no! You can't make me! I hate you!"
Bonus points to Bill for rolling on the floor, kicking or hitting the subject, or destroying the paper that needed copies in the first place.

-If the subject has a meeting or something similar in which he needs to be in front of other people and to actually get something accomplished or look respectable/in charge, have several co-workers help you out. Some can maybe begin by shouting simple phrases like, "I'm bored!" but can also progress to, "I have to poop!" Other co-workers can devise things to do to ease the boredom like taking pens and writing on desks or maybe building a launch ramp for a toy car with random items from around the room. Towards the end you may want to even have a couple of co-workers run in screaming, fighting, or throwing tantrums. Are you noticing a theme yet?

Of course, I know I am not exactly being fair. Even on our worst days, we can usually spare a few minutes to cry in a closet or scream on the back porch. Allow your subject those moments as well. Also, being caretakers of young children, it wouldn't be fair of me to just allow your subject to experience the bad. The moments that get us through our days are when our brood turns back into sweet, loving children from the monsters they can become. So to give your subject a real taste, also have them experience the following:

-Have co-workers walk up to them, tell the subject they love them, and give them hugs and kisses.

-Have the subject solve a problem for a co-workers and have the co-worker overwhelm them with gratitude.

-Have the subject teach a co-worker something, and let them experience the joy that comes with watching your student accomplish that task.

-If the subject does need to sneak off for a cry, have a co-worker come up and snuggle.

-Have a co-worker make something for the subject.

While that second list is a bit creepy from the view of co-worker to subject, it may bring them back from the edge and help to avoid a postal worker situation. Of course, it's up to you on how much you want to let them into your world. If you want to exclude anything nice and fluffy, that's up to you. Believe me, I would sick the first list minus the second on a few people I have run into at the dmv in a heartbeat.

So, that's the program and I think you will find that the subject was not able to accomplish as much as they had set out to do that morning. If for some reason they did, either their co-workers did not follow through or this person needs to be made leader of the world immediately. Of course, there is a way to step this program up a notch. If you really want to torture them, have them go through the program while sick or have the co-worker they are keeping an eye on be sick. Bonus points if the subject has a shirt pocket full of throw up on the bus ride home.

Princess Diary: Mommy lies

Mommy lied to me the other day when we were talking about how babies are made. She made up a story that is really gross and disgusting. It's so gross that I can't even tell you about it because it might make you throw up everywhere or make your eyeballs pop out. Which isn't even as gross as the story Mommy told me. I wonder why she didn't tell me the truth? Did she make up this gross story to hide what really happens? I thought that Mommy swallowed the seeds but everyone laughed when I said that so although it's a fun joke to tell when everyone is hanging out, I don't think that's true either. Sigh. Maybe someday I will know the truth. I really want to tell you what she said but it's really just so gross that you will be sad I said it and then you won't be able to eat anything for a whole year.

Princess learns about the birds and the bees

Whenever there is a new addition to the family, the older additions are bound to raise some questions about what is happening and how it may affect them. For Pea, she mostly just likes to jab my belly and say, "Hurt baby?" and then thinks it's hilarious when I say, "Yes!" and push her away. Princess, on the other hand, is old enough to raise some serious questions about the miracle we call new life, mostly how the heck does a baby grow in there and how did it get there in the first place? Honestly, we have been talking about this topic off and on for awhile now. Several of her friends' Mommies had new babies, so the topic of how babies are made has come up before. Now, my husband and I have always said that as soon as the kids ask what sex is, that we would be honest about it and just tell them so that the topic is out in the open. Thus, our children will feel perfectly comfortable coming to us with all their questions about this topic throughout life, and will have very healthy ideas about sex and their own developing bodies. (Please don't ruin this for us yet-we are having a great time living in blissful ignorance that this may not in fact work...) I don't think, however, that we planned for the question to be raised at age 4. Not that I have a problem telling Princess about all of this-the problem is that I am afraid to turn her on the rest of the world with this information. She has a habit of telling anyone and everyone about the new facts she has learned in life, often to the surprise of myself in front of strangers as she describes a conversation I had no idea she was listening to. When she first asked where babies come from, I decided to take the easy route. I told her that girls have eggs and that boys have seeds, and that when a boy gives a girl a seed, it goes into the egg and makes a baby. She was fascinated enough by this not to ask HOW the seed got into the egg, so I decided not to pursue it. Of course, this conversation probably could have waited until we weren't on our way to grocery shop at Whole Foods, as we would soon be in public with her questioning this new information. When we went to check out, our cashier was a woman and our bagger was a man. Well, my Princess lit up when she saw them standing next to each other, and immediately shouted, "Hey Mommy! That's a girl and that's a boy! The girl has eggs and the boy has seeds!" Then, to the cashier, "Hey! Did you know that if he gives you his seeds and puts them in your eggs that you can have a baby??!!!" She looked at them, eyes bright, sure that she has just brought two souls together to make this wonderful new life. This moment was made even more awkward by the fact that the cashier was a woman in her 50's while the bagger was probably 17 and had just learned what sex was himself when he lost his v-card earlier that summer. Plus side? I have never had my groceries packed up faster in my life.
      So, you can see why I was reluctant to tell Princess the details. That conversation could have actually been MORE awkward with a statement like, "Hey! If you put your penis in her vagina you can make a baby!" Also, I was kind of afraid that if she knew what sex was, she may actually try it. Not that it would be a sexual thing at her age, merely a curiosity, but explaining that one on a psychiatrist's couch at age 20 is not something I was trying to have happen. The time came recently, however, when I was forced to tell her the truth. You see, I had always assumed that if I didn't tell her how the seeds got into the eggs, that she would just chalk it up to magic and move on. I found out I was mistaken, however, in a hilariously embarrassing moment with my brother. Uncle P and his girlfriend (who Princess calls "girlfriend") came to visit, and Astoria went into her recent explanations of the fact that I am pregnant, that I will be having a baby soon, and that my tummy is getting big. Then she said, "Yeah, Mommy swallowed Daddy's seeds and they went down into her belly and got into the eggs and made a baby!" Ok, so I mean, in her mind, that makes sense. The baby is growing in my belly, so why would she assume that the stomach is a different organ than where the baby is? Really, it was quite smart of her to put this together, but as all of our dirty minds went to the same place, all three of us spit the lunch we were eating all over the table as we did the embarrassing "I can't believe that just happened" laugh. Princess, thinking she has just told a great joke, continued: "Yeah! Daddy put a bunch of seeds in her mouth and she crunched em all up and then swallowed them and they went down and now they are a baby!" At this point I told Princess it was time to go to Grammy's house and shouldn't she go find her shoes?
Bluck! Gross! Mommy! That's gross! STOP TALKING!" At the end, I asked her if she understood. She said, "Mommy can we talk about something that's not gross now? Let's watch that elephant being born again!" The You Tube videos that had made me cringe were incredibly interesting to her, and were evidently somehow less gross than how the baby elephant got inside the Mommy's belly. A fact I should probably be happy about, but I somehow feel like this topic was left not fully explained that she might have even weirder ideas about the whole process now. She hasn't brought up the subject since, so I am curious to see how long it will take her to be grossed out before she decides to pursue the topic again. In the meantime, if you happen to bump into us, be prepared. You may get informed about something you never thought you would ever be discussing with a child in line at the grocery store.

Renegade Birthing

Now that I am once again with child (she said with a snooty tone to her voice), you will get to hear about all the lovely details of pregnancy and how I very admirably handle it. Our first order of business was to find a place to have the dang baby. I was able to have both girls naturally, Princess in a hospital and Pea in a birthing center. The state we lived in where Pea was born was one of those places where about 90% of the population chose alternative birth, and just about everyone I knew was either studying to be a midwife, was a midwife, was related to a midwife, had friends who were midwives, or at the very least has stood behind someone in a grocery store once who had a t shirt with a really uncomfortable quote about birth that only midwives appreciate. When we moved back home, we were in a much different situation. Midwives aren't recognized in the state we live in, which makes home birth illegal and birthing centers unpopular. I looked into home birth but in order to have one you are basically on the lookout for a black market midwife. You have to know someone who knows someone and then show up at a designated place at a designated time with a breast pump, some evening primrose oil and a copy of Ina May's "Spiritual Midwifery". You will then be ushered into a dark room and felt down for a wire, and then forced to sign a contract in blood stating that you will never reveal to the authorities that you had a planned home birth. Honestly, the idea of doing something that is ridiculous in it's illegality totally appeals to me, but since insurance doesn't usually cover illegal procedures, it was back to the drawing board. Hubby dearest and I dropped the kiddos off with his Mom (which we can do now that we are back home! Woot!) and took the drive to check out what we thought was the closest birthing center. An hour and 45 minutes later, we realized that I had failed to look at the address closely, and it was in fact in a different state. Whatever-then our kids would all have different birth states! How unique of us! We also would have to drive through a major city. No problem! First rule baby-no arriving at rush hour! We pulled up to a generic looking shopping center and looked around for the building. Yup, sure enough, right next to "Laundromat" and "Florist" was "Birthing Center". Although we were a bit put off by the exterior, our tour was amazing and I loved the midwife we met. We both walked out of there sold on the place, sort of forgetting about that 2 hour drive. On the way home the discussion turned to what may happen if we didn't quite make it to the birthing center and how we might handle that. Now, let me tell you a little something about my husband. If something is outside the box, renegade, slightly dangerous, unheard of or otherwise taboo, he is most likely into it. So when I mentioned that there was a possibility that we may have the baby in the car, he was ready for the chance. I swear, you'd think his lifetime dream as a child was to deliver a baby on the side of the highway with traffic whizzing past at 70 miles an hour. He immediately launched into plans of a birthing station that we could set up quickly in the back of our minivan. An emergency birthing kit, involving classes on how to use it, infant CPR, jugs of water, blankets, spare clothes for both of us, cloths and blankets were all brought up in a matter of seconds. I think he had even designed a way for a tarp to automatically pop up to cover the entire back area and had a large tissue box of lap pads ready to spring from the side compartment at the touch of a button. He then asked me if I would know when it was time to pull over if we had to. He asked, "I mean, do you know when it's time to push?" Well, anyone who has had a natural birth knows this a dumb question. It's not a matter of you knowing it's time to push, it's you not being able to do a damn thing about it when it's time. I tried to describe the phenomenon to him, but the best thing that came out was, "You know when you have to throw up, right? And you honestly can't help it!? Well, it's like that, but out of your vagina." And really, if he was going to scrunch up his face at that comment, I can't imagine what he would actually do if faced full on with the phenomenon I had described. While my husband is an amazing birth partner and I couldn't have done it without him, laying legs splayed in the back of my minivan on the side of the road while random people stop to help and he's screaming, "Oh god you just pooped on me!" is not exactly how I ever imagined a birth to go. We both took a moment to bask in the idea of what good stories we'd have to tell after a time like that, and the look on people's faces when I described my husband holding up our newborn baby like Simba to all the traffic on I-40, triumphant. Luckily, the midwife had also told us about a new birthing center that just opened that is only 40 minutes away from us, so we decided to forgo the adventure and stick closer to home. This means there is less of chance that my husband will be able to carry out his plans of pop up saran wrap, but after adding up time in the car for check ups not to mention driving there in labor and back with a newborn, we decided it wasn't worth it. Of course, it is still a 40 minute drive... maybe we should buy that newborn emergency kit just in case.

We're Baaaack!

So, as you probably assumed dear readers, we got busy with life and dropped off the face of the Earth. I know that you have been anxiously awaiting a new post, and now that it's finally happened almost a year later I hope you can now get on with your lives. Or, at the very least, remember that this blog sort of started and that you liked reading it once and maybe come back and read it again. Because we are back, and for real this time! I have to say that one of the reasons I got so far behind was because I thought I needed to catch up on what had been happening instead of just starting with that day and it got overwhelming. I mean, I know our lives are so hilarious and poetic that missing one day is torture, so the pressure really got to me. Regardless, I have decided to get back in the game with where we are today although this means that you will have missed out on a few days in our journey these past months. I'm sure the good stories will eventually be re told, but for now let me just give you the highlights. Princess turned 4 and consequently turned into a sassy 14 year old, Pea turned 2, we moved across the country back to our home and near family, Princess continues to have really inappropriate conversations with cashiers, Pea has figured out how to dance like she is at a club, we decided to try and get away from processed foods in our diet which has meant a complete Scottish style revolution at every meal from the wee ones (flashing and all), I overdid it on both birthday parties and every other holiday because I seem to think that a month of planning and staying up until 4 am to decorate the house is NORMAL, my husband landed a new position with his company and we found out we are expecting baby number 3 in October. So I guess, looking at all of that, we actually did quite a lot so I suppose I have about 20 excuses as to why this blog got behind....
Either way, it feels good to be back. I hope you will pick us up again!