Ballet Under the Stars: An Epic Fail of a Night

           Princess cannot wait to take a "real dancing class with pink tutus and pink shoes and pink tights"! I realized that she hadn't actually seen a live dance concert, so when I heard about the free ballet at a local park we made plans to go. My husband is out of town, so it was a girl's night out to the ballet! Princess was so excited she actually agreed to take a nap, and when she woke up it was full on ballerina mode. She wanted to wear her tutu (a pink swimsuit with a tutu sewn in), and let me know that Pea wanted to wear the same one. I had to buy Pea her own suit like this, after she kept trying to stick her little fat feet through the leg holes before Princess could when dressing, thinking that this would make it hers. Princess also decided that she needed "dancing shoes" which are some plastic play high heeled shoes. Pea wanted some too, and as we headed out they were both decked out in tutus, tiaras, bows, high heeled shoes, necklaces, bracelets and wands. I love the imagination kids have when it comes to dressing! Princess has always loved to accessorize, ever since she was around 18 months and fell in love with mardi gras beads. She wore them everywhere, which inspired a lot of really uncomfortable jokes. Her absolute favorite thing to wear at that age? A huge bling necklace with a giant dollar sign hanging from the chain. I really don't know how we acquired this piece-evidently it was a leftover from one of my husband's Halloween costumes but I tried not to ask too many questions. She wore it everywhere, and it was one of the few times that I made an effort to make sure people knew that she had been the one to pick it out. I usually don't worry about what people think of how my kids are dressed because I'd like to think that if the outfit is totally crazy they will realize that they dressed themselves. I mean, surely if they see that I am dressed in clothes that match they will assume that I did not plan my children's wardrobes. Unless, that is, my clothes really don't match...
           Anyway! We swung by Whole Foods to pick up a picnic dinner and then went out to the park. It was a beautiful 100 degrees, but we had our pick of spots since we were early and got a place front and center. We threw down our blanket and went to find some shade to eat dinner. The girls had picked out vegan pizza, and I had also gotten them some veggies and strawberries. I had gotten some vegan chicken salad and some rolls, and was super stoked to enjoy the food. Opening the container, it looked a little different than normal. Smelling it... what the heck was this? How did I get Tuna salad instead of vegan chicken salad? Awesome-distracted Mom in the grocery store strikes again! Ok, well surely... how did I only buy this for myself for dinner? I usually buy enough food to feed an army so the fact that I suddenly just had a roll to eat was a bit out of character. No matter, when the girls weren't looking I snagged a few bites and missing one meal certainly won't hurt me! Nothing was going to ruin our wonderful outing! After a lovely picnic the girls wanted to eat their popsicles so we went and sat on the blanket by the stage in the sun and watched the dancers warm up. Princess and Pea were so taken by the dancers already! They stood up and started to try and copy their movements and the dancers looked out and saw them in their tutus and started waving at them! A couple even came out and told the girls they were cute and showed Princess a few moves. The girls were on cloud nine and I was feeling quite smug with the fun event I had brought them to. The show was going to start at seven and it was about quarter til when I realized that something was wrong if they were still putting up lights, setting music, and the dancers were still warming up in their sweats. A few of us were getting nervous that we had gotten the time wrong, and it turns out that they had advertised it wrong and the show started at 8:30. Now, for those of you that have had to keep small children busy in 100 degree heat for a couple of hours know that suddenly adding an hour and a half onto your sentence is daunting. Especially when it's already getting close to bedtime and you're not sure if the girls will last until the show starts. But, feeling that it would be unfair to just go home, I tried to make the best of the situation. Luckily there is an awesome natural pool at the park and the girls were already in their suits, so we just headed over to swim for a bit.
            The only problem with this plan is that I didn't have a bathing suit. I thought I might have one hanging out in the van since I kind of have a little bit of everything else in there, but no such luck. I did randomly have Princess' swim floaties so that was good, and I applauded myself for being lazy and not cleaning out the van since it came in so handy. I kind of go back and forth on this-being lazy and having lots of random stuff in the van has come in handy lots of times, but every time I lift out the girls' seats and discover the little world of food and randomness living under that I vow to stop off at the vacuum every day on our way home. It's kind of a vicious cycle. I considered swimming in my underwear since it was the one time in my life that my underwear and bra actually matched, but I just couldn't do it. I blame it on being a Mom, but I also wondered if I would get kicked out. Luckily the pool has one whole end that really only goes up to my knees so I waded in after the girls and they walked around. Oh, to be surrounded by water that you can't actually swim in on a hot day! Torture. Luckily, I wasn't tortured for long. There's lots of algae at the bottom of the pool, and without shoes it can be quite slippery. I was helping Princess over a rock when my foot hit a slick spot and up in the air I went. Splash! It probably wouldn't have been a big deal, I mean it felt amazing, but I had decided to wear a light dress that is actually quite clingy. I hadn't realized this in the store since going into a dressing room with kids is a horrible idea and I usually end up having to run out half naked after one of them, but needless to say it was extra clingy wet. Besides the fact that my underwear matched, it was also a not of the "Mom" variety. Why is it that whenever I find myself in a situation as Mom that shows off my underwear it's always when I decide to try and be human again and wear something fun? And yes, this has happened to me more often than it should happen to anyone.
            Basically, I was now walking around leaving nothing to anyone's imagination about my underwear, how big my ass really is, or my Momma pooch, which I can't seem to get rid of no matter how many times I start to work out and then quit days later. Really, you'd think I would have seen some sort of improvement by now. At this point Princess also informed me that she had pooped in her swimsuit. Awesome since she wasn't wearing a swim diaper and I hadn't brought any wipes with me. Yay for outdoor showers in the women's locker room! We got all cleaned up, I could already feel my dress drying in the heat, and had only been called a hooker once. We were still having fun! With more time to kill, we headed over to the playgrond. Now, this playground is awesome but absolutely huge. I honestly don't like going to it by myself with the girls because it's hard to keep track of both of them at once. Faced with another hour to kill, I decided it was worth it. I took Pea on a slide, and since it was a faster tube slide I put her on my lap and down we went. Sort of. About halfway through my wet dress slid out from under me and my wet thighs got completely stuck on the plastic. I mean, we were wedged. And boy, gotta love the sound wet skin makes on plastic! Suddenly, I felt something hit me and I realized that kids were still coming down the slide! I tried to tell them to stop but they kept coming! It was a train of children with me in the lead, and each time they bumped me I would slide forward a bit, squeaking the whole way. BUMP! SKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! BUMP! SKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! It was not attractive and it was starting to burn, but since concerned parents were sticking their heads up the slide and getting a full look at what was under my skirt instead, I thought it best to put up with the pain. After about 50 children piled into the slide, I popped out like a cork from a bottle and they all came flying out behind me. We all sat around dazed for a moment and I watched as Moms and Dads rushed to collect their children while giving me the hairy eyeball. Ok, so no more slides!! Princess and Pea had a blast and time passed quickly-soon it was time to head over to the show! I gave us a bit of time since it was a little further away and I needed to change Pea's diaper-the poor thing had a regular one on and it had soaked up most of the water from the pool so she was having to waddle around the playground to compensate for how gigantic it was. The only way off the play scape was down the slide, so down we went again with my now dry dress held firmly in place. We walked away and I went to check the time on my phone again, and here is where the night went from comically tragic to tragic. My phone was gone. Well, ok I mean I just looked at it and then went down the slide so it should still be there... it's not. If this were a TV show, cue the clip of someone dumping an enormous pile of crap on my head. I started frantically searching the playground, while Pea (who had just been promised milk) clinged to me crying and Princess (who had just been promised another popsicle and a dancing show) dug in her heels and made me drag her the entire way. A lovely, lovely woman asked what was wrong and sent her two children out to search, and she also started calling my phone. So, so nice! We looked for at least half an hour but by the end 20 parents had looked over the playground and we concluded someone had picked it up. A huge cosmic thank you to all of you that helped me last night-I hope wonderful things happen to you in return! I did get lucky though and the one pay phone left in America was located next to the snack shack and magically still had the receiver attached and didn't have gum stuck in the buttons and I was able to call my husband to get him to cancel my phone line. Plus, since I had to shell out $3.25 for a bottle of water because I hadn't planned to BE IN THE PARK FOR 10 HOURS I had lots of quarters. So, ok, not gonna cry yet-let's go see this stupid ballet damnit!!
           I had lucked out with the best parking spot ever, so while I was changing Pea, Princess dug through the bag and discovered that the leftover popsicles had completely melted. Suddenly, she is melting down about popsicles, Pea is refusing to leave the car and is grabbing the steering wheel with her hands while I pull on her ankles, and people are stopping to stare. Somehow, the show hasn't started yet!! We can still make it! I tucked a girl under each arm, grabbed my bag, and jogged over to the stage. I'm sure people were super stoked to find me coming, and especially when they found out they were sitting next to me. Princess was still upset that we didn't have "popa-cycles", I was trying to finish getting Pea dressed, and once we sat down I discovered that we couldn't see the stage. The sound guys were sitting front and center, which I may have known if WE HADN'T SHOWN UP 5 HOURS EARLY and a Dad and his two daughters were sitting on the ledge right in front of us. I pulled a Seth Myers and went through a "Really?" segment in my head. I mean, REALLY? We get an awesome spot, front and center, and the sound guys are blocking the stage? REALLY? We leave to go kill time for 2 hours after already killing time for 2 hours and we come back to a full hillside so WE CAN'T EVEN MOVE? REALLY? I have walked around looking like a drowned rat and getting dirty looks, I'm starving, I got stuck in a slide and I LOST MY FREAKING PHONE TO SEE THIS STUPID BALLET AND NOW WE CAN'T EVEN SEE THE STAGE?? REALLY?? AARGGEEEEEEHHHHHHHAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Somehow, the people heard me. Maybe I actually said that last part out loud-I'm not sure, but suddenly the family in front of us moved down to the ground from the ledge and the sound guys actually scooted over. Suddenly, we had the best view in the house! And the show was starting! And I remembered that I had bought a pack of vegan brownies and we suddenly had sweets! If it hadn't been dark I would have sworn I was sitting in a beacon of light.
           The show was awesome, and both girls were completely into it the whole time. Pea kept standing up to dance and clap, and both got upset whenever a song was over. The show was to rock music, so it was a lot of fun. Princess turned to me after each song and said, "Are there going to be more Princesses??" and when I would say yes her face would absolutely light up and she would turn back to the stage with her eyes glowing. The family in front of us turned out to be awesome-we talked during intermission and the Dad's two twin daughters danced with Astoria and showed her some ballet moves while we talked and Pea got to pet his dog. He even didn't mind that during the second act Pea got so excited that she let out the banshee a few times. Somehow he actually thought this was cute so I went with it. We gathered our blanket and pillows after the show and made the short walk back to our car, all of us still swaying to the music. Princess broke down once we got in, mostly because it was now 10 pm but also because she said, "I don't want to leave the show! I love the show so much!"
            I got her to calm down and as we were driving home in the sleepy darkness, she made the whole night totally worth it:
P: "Mommy? Am I growing all the time?"
M: "Yup-you're getting bigger every day!"
P: "Am I growing up to be a Mommy?"
M: "You're growing up to be big like a Mommy and if you want to be a Mommy you certainly can be."
P: "I think I do want to grow up to be a Mommy. I want to be a Mommy like you because you took me to see the dancing show and it was the best thing ever!"
            Sigh. And once again, my little ones are able to pull me back off the ledge that they pushed me out onto in the first place. In the end, it's just a lost phone, and because I had an awesome app on there I was able to locate it and see that it was stolen, wipe all data from it, plus it had backed up all my pictures and stuff to their website. The phone was a birthday present from my husband and that part sucks but I suppose it could have been worse-it could have been my car keys. Or my children. So now I am just waiting for the day that Princess, so inspired by the show she saw so early in life, becomes a world famous dancer and when she makes her first million she will send me a new phone (that will probably have holographic images shoot out of the person you are calling like Princess Leia) with a simple note that says, "Thanks for taking me to the dancing show Mommy, it was the best night ever."