For parents, there really is nothing sweeter than sleeping children. Whether it's nap time or nighttime, when our little darlings are off to dreamland we all breathe a sigh of relief. As much as we all love our children, we can love them so much more after having a little break. Because of this, most parents believe very strongly in the power of the jinx. Going much further than the "jinx-you owe me a Coke!" of our middle school days, the jinx of the sleeping child holds great power. The few times my husband has come close to death by my hands have been the times when he uttered the most dangerous of words, "Wow! The girls have been sleeping a long time!" Usually he can't even finish this sentence before we hear a wail cutting through the quiet. I am so scared of this jinx, that I'm even attempting to write this while the girls are still awake. There have been times when I have even just thought about the girls sleeping well and they awoke. I have a friend who has solved this problem by following the rules from the book/movie fight club. The first rule of Fight Club: You do not talk about Fight Club. To get around the fact that you often do need to point out to a questioning spouse or friend where your child is, you simply substitute any dangerous words with the words, "fight club". Our conversations go like this:
"Hey S-what are you guys up to?"
"Well, C is finally fight club and D isn't sleeping but he's fight club. What about you?"
"Pea is fight club and Princess is helping me cook dinner."
"How is Princess doing with potty training?"
"Fight club."
This conversation means that C is sleeping, D is being quiet in his room, and that Princess has actually had clean pants for the day. As you can see, the fight club tricks extends to much more than just sleeping. Any time your child may be doing something quietly and on their own, it's wise not to temp any disturbance. Of course, this concept works great if the two people talking actually get it. No matter how many times I have explained, my poor husband always gets confused, so our conversations generally go like this:
"Where are the girls?"
"Fight Club."
"Fight club? What?" (At this point I'm sure he's actually imagining a small boxing ring with babies duking it out)
"As in the first rule of fight club..."
"Oh right. They're sleeping. Awesome!"
"waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" from the monitor... and you get the point.
Maybe your children don't fall to the power of the sleeping jinx, but I haven't met one yet that can resist the phone jinx. No matter how quiet, busy or sleepy your children are, as soon as you pick up the phone, all hell breaks loose. I actually tested this theory once when Pea was about six months old. She was in her bouncy seat, perfectly content, and as soon as I would put the phone to my ear, she would cry. I would put it down, she would stop. I whipped it up and down really fast a few times and she still followed through with crying and stopping. I may, in fact, have a genius on my hands, but since I'm her Mom and a little biased it's hard to tell. My husband likes me to handle any phone calls we may need to make, such as calls to the insurance company or to make doctor appointments for him. The fact that he thinks these calls will be really easy for me to do makes me realize that I really haven't made him spend enough time with the girls while also trying to get stuff done. While the girls may be quietly playing at the beginning, by the end the person on the other end of line is confused as to whether I am actually at a zoo, possibly even being assaulted by a lion, and whether they do in fact need to call 911. This is dangerous for a lot of reasons, most notably because you end up paying much more on insurance than you meant to, you make appointments for wrongs days, or the police even show up at your door.
After such a success of the first rule of Fight Club, I wondered if the other rules would be just as good. I don't consider myself a glutton for punishment, and I wouldn't even be on the homeschooling path or have had a second child if I hated being alone with them, but I do admit that each day feels much like a preparation for an epic battle. Maybe that's one of the reasons we love bedtime so much-it's a sign of victory that we have indeed survived the day. I would actually keep score, but I am terrified that I am losing.
Rule #2: You DO NOT talk about Fight Club. Exactly. Someone tell my husband. You know, I wonder if this would actually be a great way to scare away salesmen. I know they have a job to do, but they seem to always ring the doorbell as soon as I am getting the girls to sleep for nap or even bedtime. This does not bode well for them, especially the ones who ring the doorbell more than once. If you have ever encountered a sleep deprived stay at home mom who has just had their one chance for rest snatched away from them, you understand how absolutely terrifying it can be. It scares me, and I'm the one doing it. I have scared away many a salesman in my day, but perhaps those stories are for another time. I have had friends who put up signs like, "Shhh! Baby sleeping!" or "Please don't ring the doorbell" and even, "If you are trying to sell me something leave now while you still have all your body parts" but all of them have had someone ring that stupid doorbell. If I put up a sign that just said, "Fight Club: Follow the F*cking Rules" maybe they actually would.... or at least be too confused to ring the bell.
Rule #3: If someone says "stop", goes limp, or taps out, the fight is over. I think this is a good general rule for any household to follow. This is pretty much what I tell Princess every day when she and Pea are playing. If she asks to stop, goes limp, or comes to me to get out of the game, it's probably something that shouldn't continue. I wonder if I would get strange looks if this rule was posted on their bedroom wall?
Rule #4: Only two guys to a fight. While I think this would apply much more if I had more than two kids, it's actually a good thing for me to remember. The girls fighting is enough noise and if I start yelling back then there's just way too much going on. Princess has finally gotten to the age where she has realized that I am a hypocrite. She will be yelling at myself or Pea, and I will yell back, "STOP YELLING! IT'S NOT NICE TO YELL!" She will then ask me why I get to yell and I respond with the words that I never thought I would actually say, "BECAUSE I'M THE MOM!" I hate to tell you this new parents, but you will in fact say all the things that you swore you never would say, and you are in fact turning into your parents as we speak. Really. It's happening.
Rule #5: One fight at a time. Again, a good one. Everyone knows that feeling of tension when you are fighting with someone else in the house. If you limit yourself to just one child or spouse to fight with at once, that will definitely help on the tension and ensure that you have at least one person to talk to throughout the day who isn't planning your demise.
Rule #6: No shirt, no shoes. Psht. My children live by this rule anyway. If they could go around without clothes or shoes on all the time they would, and honestly I think they are much happier for it. Of course, this gets a little tricky when you are out in public and you are struggling to keep the nudists dressed just to get throught the grocery store, but if you have a newer baby and they are fussing, try getting them naked. I swear, it works a remarkable amount of the time.
Rule #7: Fights will go on as long as they have to. I know that most of you with little ones can't imagine that you will ever fight with them, but let's just call it the battle of wills. There will be times when you will have to try and get them to do things that they don't want to do and if you give in, even once, they will pounce upon your weakness and never let you forget it. I have given in many a time, and I can show you the footprints all over my back to prove it. The most recent battle Princess and I are having is getting her to sleep in her own room. Sometimes it takes an hour to convince her to lay in her own bed and then to actually fall asleep (unless her Daddy is putting her to bed and it takes five minutes), but I have to stay strong. The mere fact that I get to fall asleep without a foot in my face makes it well worth it.
Rule #8: If this is your first night at fight club, you HAVE to fight. Ok well this one may just be a little out there. I'm really not condoning you fighting with a newborn, although anyone will tell you that your first night as a new parent usually is quite the battle whether you want it to be or not. Our first night with Princess was spent in the hospital which was awful to begin with, especially since I had had an uneventful natrual birth. My poor husband was given a chair to sleep in and I had to beg the nurse for a sheet so that he wouldn't freeze to death by the a/c. Princess woke up every couple of hours to nurse, I was having trouble getting that to work and getting her to eat well, and the nurses kept coming in to take my temperature, push on my stomach and generally take away the five minutes of sleep I was getting. They also kept trying to sneak Princess back into her bassinet and out of my arms thinking I was asleep, so I had to keep an ever vigilant eye. Hmmm.... so ok I guess that rule does work. Fight dear parents, and keep up that good fight. You may lose that first night like I did, but I promise it gets better.
We find inspiration in strange places as parents, and maybe we apply everything we see and hear to our world because being a parent takes over your world so completely. Hopefully being involved in a family fight club hasn't revealed that you actually have a split personality and are blowing up buildings and killing people, but in general I think that's a pretty rare thing.
Shhhh..... wait, do you hear that? The sound of beautiful, wonderful quiet? It's...fight club.
hahahaha.
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