Princess has been regressing when it comes to potty training lately. I say “regressing” but that’s really just a proper way of saying “choosing to poop in her pants on a daily basis”. She seems really comfortable with her actions and has not been interested in changing her patterns, so I turned to what every good parent eventually turns to in moments of despair: bribery. You may think I am being a bit dramatic when I say moments of despair, but let me tell you a little secret about poop in underwear. There is absolutely no good way to take them off. Seriously. Laying them down like they have a diaper on is a terrible idea unless you are up for cutting the sides of the underwear off, which is an incredibly tempting, yet incredibly expensive habit. The best way I have found is to have her stand, legs spread a bit apart yet not too far, and to slide them off that way. Let me tell you though, while it sounds simple, it is quite an art form. You have to pull the underwear down quickly so it won’t have time to slip out onto the floor, yet not too quickly. You want the legs spread far enough that they don’t get streaks as you remove the underwear, yet not too far so that you are stuck with stretched underwear and nowhere to go. Believe me; removing a foot when the underwear is stretched like that leaves you with a slingshot effect you don’t want to experience. I really feel that this is something that should be taught in college. All the student loans I am paying are in no way a reflection of any skills that are remotely helping me at this point in my life. I imagine it would not have been a popular class, but those of us who took it may have been able to avoid getting poop on the floor, pets, toys and siblings of our darling potty trainers, which to me seems worth it.
When I told my Princess that she would get a special treat if she could keep her pants clean for a whole week, she immediately responded with, “Oooh! I want a pink unicorn!” Perfect. A pink unicorn seemed like it would be easy to find, and not as expensive as a trip to Disney World. Although, really, if she ever does stop pooping in her pants I really don’t think Disney World is out of the question. The problem trying to find anything specific in regards to kids is that what you are looking for automatically disappears. I kept a vigilant eye for weeks with no such luck finding a pink unicorn. Luckily, poopy pants McGee was still at it and I was ever perfecting my dirty underwear removing skills. Finally, when I had finally given up hope and decided not to look anymore, I found it. A beautiful white horse with pink hooves and a pink mane and tail. Not only pink, but pink with glitter. Not only that, but it was a pink, glittery horse with wings. I felt a surge in me akin to someone winning the Super Bowl or climbing Mount Everest. Not only had I found exactly what she had asked for, but I had found something better! One that could fly! One with wings! One that exceeded any dream that my daughter could possibly have had about unicorns!
I was somehow able to buy it without her noticing, and kept it hidden for almost a week. Then, it happened. We had two whole days without an accident. Two whole days with clean underwear. It was amazing and unprecedented. I was seeing the gold at the end of the rainbow and I was getting excited. Darling daughter kept asking about her unicorn and when she would get it. While we have a chart showing her when she would, I thought it would be a good idea to just show her the prize. After all, Olympians know what a gold medal looks like and they still want it! I cleared off a spot on top of the fridge and told her that it would sit there until the end of the week. She was jumping up and down with excitement, and I was so proud I could burst. I brought the horse out with a flurry, leaping on the chair to set it on its throne in all its pink glittery glory. I stood back, waiting for the squeals, the calls of glee, the promises to never soil her underwear again if only she could touch it! I waited a long time.
“Mom?”
“Yeah baby-don’t you like it?”
“It’s not a unicorn.”
“What do you mean? It’s pink and glittery and did you see the wings? It’s-“
“Mom it doesn’t have a horn on its head.”
“What do you mean it…”
There was no horn on that horse’s head. How could there not be a horn? How in the hell did I manage to buy a pink, glittery, winged unicorn with NO HORN?
“Well, I mean it’s still-“ I was searching for any word to make this thing still seem like a prize to her. Anything at all. My mind was blank. Suddenly the glitter didn’t shine as bright and I swear the horse’s wings drooped a little.
“It’s just a silly pink horsey now.” She trotted off, totally uninterested in the prize I had been so proud to give her. I stood there, really not sure how to proceed, and thinking of all the different ways I could somehow attach a horn to this now pitiful creature. Was duct tape out of the question? I was still staring at if a few minutes later when my lovely daughter, precious gem of all jewels, apple of my eye, waddled back in to the kitchen.
“Mom?”
“Yeah baby?”
“I pooped in my pants.”
Of course you did.
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